For Little Miss Ashtyn

Once upon a time, we noticed a friendly-looking young family on our street of old fogies and decided to make friends.  Ivan randomly approached them on the street and introduced himself…luckily, instead of being terrified and jogging in the opposite…they were as friendly as they looked!  They said they had actually noticed our family too and had the same idea of making friends with us, so they were glad Ivan had made the first move ; )  Before we knew it, we were best buds with Rena, Uche & their adorable toddler, Anson.  Rena & I started going for walks together, the kids had some playdates, and I think Ivan even helped Uche with some plumbing once (not that Uche needed help, of course – he’s pretty much a general contractor like all husbands : ).  When we first met in the summer of 2014, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a third child.  Ivan was trying to convince me that we would probably regret not having a 3^rd, but would never regret having a 3^rd(good argument, huh?).  I was on the fence, carefully weighing the pro’s and con’s of the financial and practical implications.  During this conversation aloud with our friends, I stuck my foot in my mouth, asking if they had planned exactly when they wanted their second child.  Rena took a deep breath, collected herself and explained that she and Uche had been struggling with fertility and losses for many years.  Maybe meeting them and seeing how much they value and appreciate their ‘miracle son’ made me realize how much I have taken my own luck with fertility for granted, because shortly after that I decided I really did want just one more. 

During one of our afternoon strolls a few months later, I let Rena know that I had come to my senses (i.e. for the first and probably last time in our marriage, Ivan was right) and I had decided to try for a third baby.  I wanted to give her time to mentally prepare for the possibility of me getting pregnant overnight, since I knew that I would be crushed if the roles were reversed.  Being the selfless person she is, Rena’s instant reaction was to congratulate me and assure me that she was extremely happy for us.  She said that her turn on the fertility clinic’s long waitlist was likely approaching soon, and they were planning to give it another shot.  Sure enough, in January 2015, I told Rena I thought I may be pregnant…and she basically said ditto!  We were having the same symptoms at the same time (except hers were more severe due to the side effects of fertility medication).  And luckily, both of our instincts were right…we had positive pregnancy tests just days apart! 

Logically, we both knew that the chances of miscarriage are high (about 1/3) and that Rena’s chances of loss were significantly higher, given her fertility & miscarriage history.  But emotionally, when you become pregnant, you quickly lose sight of the statistics and get caught up in the excitement of the new life inside you.  We began to plan our maternity leaves together – daydreaming about how amazing it would be to have a mom friend down the road for playdates and emotional support.  But shortly after, Rena & Uche’s story took an unexpected twist when Uche was offered a promotion in Texas!  We had all chatted about how we would love to give our children travel experiences in the future, so naturally they jumped at the opportunity. We were all sad to lose the future we had envisioned, but of course were happy for their new adventure.  We spent time together up until the move was near, but then found it a bit strange that we didn’t have a final goodbye before moving day.  Ivan & I figured things had just become crazy busy…but a few weeks later I got a text from Rena that read:

“It’s with a heavy heart I tell you I gave birth to our daughter, Ashtyn Ebele on May 7.  She was too young to survive…”

My own heart broke, as did Ivan’s, when I read the text aloud and we started to process what Rena & Uche must have been through.  We couldn’t even imagine it…Rena was 17.5 weeks along at that point…that’s beyond ‘miscarriage’.  It’s far enough along to have had heard heartbeats, far enough along to have seen baby in ultrasounds, far enough along to have felt baby moving...and far enough along to have fallen in love.  I still, to this day, can only imagine the excruciating pain they must have been through the day Ashtyn took her first and last breath.

The news made me feel guilty for ever having complained about petty pregnancy symptoms like heartburn & nausea, and simultaneously renewed my appreciation for the amazing little life in my belly.  Again, given the strong person and wonderful friend Rena is, she assured me that despite her tremendous grief, she would somehow be okay…and she still showed a genuine interest in how my own pregnancy was going (something I don’t know if I would have been able to do sincerely if I were in her shoes).  We’ve kept in touch over the past few months, and I figured that this time of year would be especially triggering for them.  First – with her own due date (October 14^th) arriving today, and second – having to watch our arrival with excitement, but surely as a vivid reminder of what they had lost.  As would be the case with any grieving parents, Rena & Uche have been riding the waves of grief up & down, while deciding how to go about family planning for future.  They’ve probably fallen into the deepest pits of sadness, climbed back up to grasp moments of happiness in their new home, only to slip again and have to start all over.  The cycle must be exhausting and torturous…especially since a person can never fully predict or control their emotions. 

I’ve been thinking about them even more, now that Isaiah is here.  Sometimes, when I hold him, smell him, kiss him, it kills me to think a parent could endure the pain of loving and then losing their child.  My favourite lullaby to Isaiah is a beautiful song called “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” by Meagan Trainor and John Legend.  When he was just a few days old, the song brought me to tears as I pictured Rena holding her own fragile Ashtyn in her arms, without ever having the opportunity to bring her home from the hospital.  And maybe because he sensed my sadness…or maybe because he was missing his future wife, Isaiah started whimpering in his sleep too.  Not a hungry cry, not a gassy cry…just a sad little baby cry. 

Rena & Uche are honouring Ashtyn’s loss today, which they recently learned is just one day before national Infant Loss Day.  Many grieving parents, and their support people, across Canada will be lighting candles to remember their lost babies. (http://www.october15.ca/every-baby-matters/)

So I end this blog with a poem in memory of Ashtyn, and in honour of all the parents who have loved and lost their babies far too soon…

Dear baby Ashtyn, 
please know that you’re missed;

If only you were here
to be tickled and kissed!

Your big brother, Anson
would be your best bud;

He’d teach you how to have fun, 
how to play in the mud : )

Darling little miss, 
please know that you’re near,

In mommy & daddy’s thoughts
every day of the year.

Why were you taken?  
Why lost so soon?

No-one can answer
the questions that loom.

Those that do try, 
sometimes use the wrong words.

They have good intentions
but your folks don’t feel heard.

Others say nothing
and the silence hurts too.

It feels like they don’t care
or just don’t have a clue.

While you long for each other
across time, across space;

Your parents grieve your loss
with strength and with grace.

A loss form so different; 
only few can understand;

Mourning the future, not the past...

Wanting just to hold your hand;

From your first day of school
to your walk down the aisle;

Mommy & daddy wish, more than words can express, 
That they could to be there all the while.

Forever lost are those precious moments
never to be had;

They cause a pain so raw, so deep;
a million miles past sad.

So wherever you may be,
sweet Ashtyn, baby girl,

Please know you are and will always be,

At the heart of your family’s world.

_________________________________________________________________________________

"Like I’m Gonna Lose you" lyrics (song by Meagan Trainor & John Legend)

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time
To say what we want
Use what we got
Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow