So…remember a few entries ago, when I doubted Ivan’s ability
to convince me on baby #3? Well
apparently that was the one blog he read and he must have taken it as a serious
challenge to his manhood. His
original strategy of predicting aloud that I would want another one when
Kassiah’s baby-ness wore off, was pretty unsuccessful – since “I love being
wrong…and being corrected by my husband” was said by no woman, ever. So he shifted to reverse psychology,
saying ‘yeah maybe you’re right…two is enough’. Suddenly, when I didn’t feel the weight of having to guard
my uterus, combined with a noticeable increase in Ivan’s laundry productivity…I
changed my mind. Or I guess I
should say ‘I changed my mind back’ – since Ivan and I had always wanted three kids. My self-doubt starting surfacing after
Mariah, and then grew bigger after Kassiah. In retrospect, I realize a large part of feeling overwhelmed
was probably because we had them too close together for comfort. There really is no ‘perfect age gap’ between
siblings, but I would say 2-3 years is likely a lot more manageable than the 18
months opted for. And sure enough,
as Ivan initially predicted, Kassiah’s new found independence has left me
feeling sane enough to think again…and finding my thoughts drifting toward
missing the baby stage.
Are you asking yourself ‘does she realize she is about to be
overwhelmed all over again?’. Well
– yes – I realize that’s part of the package deal. In fact, I’m thinking one good blog topic during this
pregnancy will be a ‘note to self’ to read on the inevitable bad post-partum
days when I ask myself ‘what was I thinking?!?’. Having a third child will result in a string of new
challenges that I used to argue against Ivan with: more costs, being outnumbered
by children, more noise, more insanity, etc. But, I’ve started to realize that a significant amount of my
logic against having a third, had to do with the temporary challenges. I really miss having extra cashflow to
afford sunny vacations, and only noticed that I actually like ‘alone time’,
after motherhood stripped that privilege away like a bikini wax. But I’m pretty sure those things will
happen again…they might just take a couple more years.
In my first few years of motherhood, I’ve learned that it’s
really easy to have tunnel vision in the phase of life you’re going
through. The task de jour, whether pregnancy nausea,
newborn night wake-ups, or toddler tantrums, are so consuming, they often feel like they will last forever. And then – the second it’s over, you
magically forget about it and move on to your next challenge. Moms, especially, don’t take enough time
to pat ourselves on the back for the amazing things we’ve accomplished, and to
assure ourselves that whatever the future holds – we can handle it. When friends with older kids talk about
small successes, like their child buckling their own seatbelt, or taking a
shower on their own, or getting themselves dressed, it seems like a lifetime away. But those things will happen…and when they do, I’m sure I’ll be watching baby videos
and sobbing : )
Sure enough, this first trimester of pregnancy has reminded
me that pregnancy is much harder than I remembered! The first few weeks were a breeze, but nausea and scent-sensitivity started to arrive around 7-8 weeks. I
would say I was just as nauseous with Mariah and Kassiah, and used to ‘give in’
to vomiting, mainly because it brought a mild sense of relief. This time, whenever I caught myself
leaning over the sink gagging, I would push myself up, look in the mirror and
angrily say ‘nope – sorry, I’m not barfing this time!’. Many women experience such strong
nausea that the only way to stop it is with medication. But luckily my urges
were mild enough that I could apparently control them with a stern talking to. The nausea combined itself with fatigue,
which made things feel worse around 9-10 weeks. A friend once described pregnancy fatigue as feeling sedated,
which is pretty accurate. I
honestly had to call in sick by 11am a couple times to go home and sleep, cause
my eyelids refused to stay open! Finally,
the symptoms started to ease a bit in weeks 11-12 and here I am more excited
than ever to enter the second trimester, which most women usually describe as
the best part of pregnancy. Your energy comes back,
you start to look like a cute preggo and not just a chubby chic, and best part of all –
you start to feel less like someone with the flu, and more like there’s a baby
inside you.
Incase you were starting to feel like I was – that this blog
was simmering down and losing its excitement at all…brace yourself, cause I
have a feeling it’s about to get juicy again!
