Returning from the honeymoon

So just two short weeks into my return to work, my honeymoon phase seems to be slowly evaporating into thin air.  I spent my first few days convincing others, and probably myself, that I was 100% happy to be back at work.  When other mom co-workers would stop me in the hallway to ask if I was okay without Mariah, I almost had to hold in laughter and a cynical “Mariah who?”.  I don’t think I was in denial or faking, I just honestly felt great and lacked the self-awareness to know that my extreme excitement couldn’t possibly last forever.

In retrospect, I think that moving quickly from chronic social withdrawal and isolation into daily outings was a welcomed change initially.  I was so busy enjoying driving without screams from the backseat and going out for lunches, that I probably forgot that work is called work for a reason.  As my schedule is starting to pick up and stress tension is creeping back into my shoulders, I’m starting to remember what the ‘real world’ can actually be like sometimes.  I’m getting less excited to be driving, and more frustrated to sit in traffic; less enthusiastic about finding an outfit and more aggravated when my pre-pregnancy clothes don’t fit; and less eager to leave the house in the morning since I want to squeeze in more time with Mariah.  She’s starting to tug at my heartstrings too since she refuses to wave goodbye to me and instead holds onto me for dear life and waves to Ivan as if to say ‘dad, you’ve been a great sport…but I’m ready for mom to stay home again!’.

The good news is, despite all of my whining, I have no regrets and probably still like my job more than the average person (I’m not just saying that because my boss reads my blog : )  Most people I vent to assure me that this is all part of the natural process of adjusting into a new work-life balance.  It’s a good reminder that the grass always seems greener on the other side, but that if you focus on being mindful of the present and thankful for the positive things in life – the grass beneath you will start looking just as green.  I am so grateful that Ivan has chosen to take some parental leave since I can’t imagine dealing with returning to work and placing Mariah in childcare at the same time.  That stage will arrive in a few short months, and we’ve found someone wonderful who will take great care of our baby…but I’m glad I can deal with one step at a time.

Ironically, my recent lack of insight about this temporary ‘high’ reminds me a bit of how I felt immediately post-partum.  I think part of the reason I’ve been postponing writing about my mood changes on this blog is that I kept waiting for them to be ‘over’.  But I’ve learned that the first year and beyond can all be categorized as part of a ‘post-partum adjustment’ that often involves a number of complex and constantly evolving mood shifts.  So after much stalling, I think that this post is the perfect segway into an upcoming series of entries about my mood experiences thus far.  So stay tuned!

The Switcheroo

Before becoming a mom, I sometimes used to wish that my family could afford to live on one income so that I could be a stay-at-home mom.  But then again, I used to think a lot of crazy thoughts about parenthood before becoming a parent!  Don’t get me wrong – I don’t look down on parents who choose to be home with their kids.  In fact, it’s just the opposite.  I have realized over the past several months that staying home to raise a family is the hardest job anyone could ever have, and I give credit to those who can manage it.  However, after several months of mixed emotions on the topic, I have finally admitted to myself that I was not cut out to be at home full-time.  I love being a mom, but to be honest, I didn’t always ‘like’ being a stay-at-home one. 

As I’ve reflected about before on this blog, I’m a task-oriented person who needs a certain level of structure and predictability in my day-to-day life.  And apparently I didn’t read the fine print when I signed on to be home with Mariah, since those were not actually in the job description.  While some moms dread the end of their maternity leave, I had a strong urge to return to work about halfway through mine.  There were lots of factors that made it tough to be home: feeling isolated without a 2^nd car, being trapped indoors during bad weather, and dealing with my post-partum mood (which is on the top of my blogging priority list and I promise to get to one of these days!).  I envied Ivan’s ability to be a parent when he was home, but also have the escape of adult-life when he was at work.  At first I felt guilty about wanting time away from Mariah, but have realized that it’s a very normal thing to want a career outside of the home, to create a sense of balance.

Lucky for me, while I was busy envying Ivan’s life, he was busy doing the same.  In some ways, I wanted to hand him parental leave as payback, like ‘fine, you think it’s so easy…then enjoy’!  But to be honest, Ivan has done a great job of validating how hard being home with a baby is, and how much he appreciated me for doing it.  And for any of you who know Ivan, you know it would be unfortunate if he didn’t have an opportunity for some parental leave.  Ivan is a rare breed of man – the type that not only enjoys cooking, cleaning, and taking care of a baby, but is also amazing at all of those tasks!  In fact, my sister-in-law & I sometimes complain to each other about how our husbands make domestic work look so easy it hurts our ego.  But I suppose that really isn’t a marital issue to complain over, is it? 

So with Mariah being 9 months old and essentially weaned from breastfeeding, we decided that I would return to work and let Ivan take the last 3 months of parental leave.  Just one week into our new lives – we are all much happier people.  I feel great to put on something other than pajamas or sweats in the morning…and am actually motivated to wear a bit of makeup and attempt to be somewhat fashionable, despite having minimal interest (and skill) in either of those pre-baby.  Driving, making phonecalls, going to meetings, and even doing paperwork, bring me a sense of identity beyond being a mom.  I’m sure a lot of my comfort in returning to work also has to do with the fact that I am at ease knowing Mariah is in good hands with her dad at home.  Ivan is a teacher through and through, so I usually return home to witness his impressive skills at making anything into a game.  And needless to say, Mariah is having a ball with her new best friend too.  Whereas she used to cling to me, she is now quickly developing an equally strong and important bond with her daddy.  Her face lights up when she sees him and she always has a smile for him.

I’m sure life will become a bit more overwhelming and stressful when we’re both working in a few months.  But for now, I’m enjoying the luxury of a smooth transition opportunity for the three of us.

Asleep at last

After 9 long months, our family is finally basking in the luxury of full night's sleeps.  Before Mariah arrived, Ivan and I weren't exactly sure where we wanted her to sleep.  We both have fond memories of sleeping in our parents' beds, so we wanted that same coziness but also bought a bassinet and crib just incase.  The night Mariah was born, the midwives asked us where she would be sleeping and Ivan & I both looked at each other unsure of the answer.  She was so tiny and fragile that we wanted to keep her as close as possible, but were also a bit scared of squooshing her in our bed.  We ended up keeping her nestled between us, and there she stayed for many months to follow.  At first I told myself that I would move her to the bassinet once I recovered from childbirth, since it was physically difficult to get up for each feed.  But by that time, she (and we) had become so used to co-sleeping that it was nearly impossible to peel Mariah away from us.  In fact, even when we placed her in the middle of our bed as a newborn, she would somehow find a way to squirm her way over to mommy for cuddles at night.  Since co-sleeping is very 'normal' in our culture, our families assured us that it was perfectly fine, while others warned us that it was the worst thing we could do.  As an impressionable and indecisive person, I was emotionally torn and felt like I was 'failing' at the job of getting Mariah into her crib.

Over the last several months, our sleeping arrangements have taught me that, like most parenting practices, there really is no right or wrong.  Now, I'm a black and white thinker who thrives on following rules and specific instructions.  So needless to say, this realization has been a challenge for me.  But the I am learning that there are benefits and consequences to every option, and that parents need to make the decision that works best for themselves and their children.  The benefits of co-sleeping include priceless bonding, a sense of reassurance for baby and her parents, and our doula even told us that it has been proven to reduce SIDS since a mother's breath helps circulate that of her baby.  This last piece is highly controversial since public health insists that co-sleeping is an unsafe practice due to the possibility of suffocation or injury.  I would never argue that they are completely wrong, since some studies have proven an increased risk in certain situations, like when a parent is obese or under the influence...but I don't think it's fair to cast co-sleeping with a blanket statement (pun intended) of being unsafe either.  As with many other practices, (like midwifery for example!), co-sleeping has been done safely in various indigenous and traditional cultures around the world for ages and is finally starting to receive recognition in North America.

However, one major challenge of co-sleeping is that it can make it tough for nursing moms to sleep.  As Mariah grew, she learned that if she bullied me enough at night, I would give-in and breastfeed her.  When teething started at four months, she began to wake every hour or two...which meant I had to wake every hour or two.  And since every minute of sleep is crucial for a new mom's mood and energy levels (which I promise to blog about one of these days)...we decided to try transitioning Mariah to her crib around six months.  We started by using an attachment method in which you go to baby each and every time she cries to settle her, with the hope that her need for reassurance will diminish.  Throughout Ivan's summer holidays, we gave it our best - taking turns waking all night, but nearly 2 months later - no such luck.  Mariah continued to wake throughout the night and I was too exhausted to continue tending to her, so I gave up and she returned to our bed for another few weeks. 

Just when I was at my wits end, I heard from some friends that Dr. Ferber, who had made a name for himself in the 80s with his controversial sleep training program, had written a new book that was a bit less harsh.  Ferber's "progressive waiting" approach involves putting baby in her crib when she's sleepy and leaving her alone for an increasing number of minutes each night so that she learns to fall asleep on her own.  It was definitely torture to hear Mariah crying her heart out and then walking into her room to check on her, only to leave her again.  But sure enough, after just one weekend, Mariah learned how to sleep through the night in her own crib.  In fact, she even seems relieved these days when she's dozing off and we lay her down on her familiar blanket.  I still take naps with her to squeeze in some extra cuddle time, and we hope to have some cozy family slumber parties in the future when she understands that it's just a treat.  But for now, the three of us seem to be much happier and better rested with Mariah in her crib.  I'll try not to jinx myself, since I realize we may have some hiccups down the road with teething and colds.  But if this week is any indication of Mariah's resilience, we're doing alright: we're on vacation visiting Grandma and Mariah is sound asleep in her playpen...hence the opportunity to blog!