Winter Blues

Well, time has flown by again…and I can’t say all of it has been because I was ‘having fun’.  At least part of my writer’s block was probably due to some winter blues.  Even though Calgary has had an amazing winter so far, the decrease in hours of sunlight and chances to be outdoors definitely seems to affect my mood.  I’ve probably noticed it more so in the last couple of years since my mood has been more vulnerable as a mom.  I’ve had my ups & downs with the dreaded ‘Post-Partum Depression/Anxiety’ monster in the last few years.  And since Kassiah is now 2 and a half, it’s almost strange not to be able to chalk it up to that : )  Overall, I would probably say that I feel a whole lot more ‘stable’ these days than I did early on (likely because I never went off the anti-depressants I started post-partum!).  But I guess I’m coming to the realization that my mood may continue to be more fragile than it was pre-kids for…at least the next few years! 

Like a lot of people, I have a fair amount of genetic predisposition to depression and anxiety.  Before kids, I usually managed to cope pretty well to keep them at bay.  But I suppose with kids, the increase in factors beyond my control continues to be an adjustment that I don’t always cope as well with.  In the past, if I were having a tough day, I could just laze around, take it easy, or even just have a cathartic cry without worrying about anyone but myself.  But now, the tougher days are more easily triggered, and I get caught in the cycle of feeling guilty about feeling miserable.  If I feel ‘a moment’ coming on, Ivan is pretty good at getting the kids out of my hair.  But occasionally they’ve crept up into my bedroom to catch a glimpse of me looking and feeling a lot less put-together than they are used to.  That moment always kills me – since it’s the one I’m terrified they’ll remember.  So I just do the only thing I can – assure them and myself that I’ll be fine in a few minutes…and sure enough I am. 

Mornings have been especially tough lately.  Winter mornings are dark…and cold…and who wants to get out of bed, really?  But combine that with getting a 4 year-old ready for daycare, when she is even less motivated (and perhaps has less of a cognitive filter), usually does not make for a fun start to the day.  Mariah is a lovely and stubborn little monkey, who tries to negotiate each step in life lately.  Things that were meant to be occasional treats – like a cup of hot chocolate, or wearing a dress over her clothes – were beginning to be daily battles.  Just like any normal preschooler should, she demanded any and everything she could think of each morning to delay the process of going to school.  And like any normal mom – I would give a firm ‘no’ to most of them, but then eventually give in to one or two.  As I should really know from my work with kids, this ‘intermittent reward system’ turned into a behavioral nightmare, where my child was bossing me around far too much.  She was getting crankier, I was getting more irritable, and we were both getting nowhere.  I say this all in past tense as if the problem is solved – well maybe that’s wishful thinking.  Last week Ivan & I made a daily calendar (i.e. ‘behavior chart’) for Mariah – which again, I would not recommend for true ‘behavior issues’ in kids…but Mariah is a pretty rule-oriented gal.  We gave her a few pictures of reasonable motivators to get her going in the mornings and have let her choose one each day to help things run a bit smoother.  At first she threw a tantrum over wanting two special things in one day (because how could a princess be a princess with a dress but no sparkle gel in her hair?!?).  But overall, the method seems to be improving things a bit each day. 

And as for my mood, fingers crossed, it seems to be getting better as the days get longer.  But, like I’ve said in this entry, I’ve sort of come to an acceptance that the roller-coaster is somewhat normal.  I debated about whether to post on this topic…especially since I haven’t blogged in a while and I hate  to be a downer ; )  But being open and honest – about mommyhood, and life in general, is really what this blog is about.  There will continue to be lots of happiness in the entries to come, but this one is probably just as important, if not more.  I’ve had lots of good conversations with other women about the wonderful array of emotions we seem to cycle through, and I hope that being open about this helps to normalize & validate it for others. 

And incase anyone is wondering if this means I have any regrets about parent hood and wish I could go back – no way!  I think the purpose of life is to grow – to face challenges and overcome them; to have tough days and get through them.  For me, becoming a mom has been the hardest and most fun experience I could ever imagine.  So the tough moments have been well worth the priceless ones, by far.

Happy Halloween!

As usual, I boycotted store bought costumes and put together the perfect duo: Dora and ‘Boots’ (the monkey).  I suppose one day Kassiah will boycott right back and refuse to be a sidekick…but until that day arrives, I thoroughly enjoy choosing their costumes.  In fact, she should be thanking me, since Ivan’s vote was to make them wear matching outfits with Kassiah’s belly protruding over her ‘before’ sign and Mariah rocking her gymnast physique with her ‘after’ sign!

It’s been a record long time since I blogged in July, so I’ll start with a brief catch-up:

In August, we went home to Ontario and had a pretty amazing week in nature.  After visits with friends and family, us Calebs hit the road and enjoyed doing a whole lotta nothing.  Since we haven’t really gone on any family vacations, aside from returning 'home’ each year, we decided to treat ourselves to the type of vacation Ivan & I love most – and apparently the type that Mariah and Kassiah now love as well.  We rented a cozy little Goldilocks-ish cottage with a wood-burning stove downstairs and a winding staircase up to the bedrooms.  And most importantly, it was just steps away from the beautiful dark blue Muskoka water that we have loved and missed.  I woke up early some mornings, to sneak onto the balcony with a good book in one hand and a hot coffee in the other (which have both become my ultimate mommy rewards).  The days were spent canoeing, swimming, catching pet frogs, and of course, alternating naps & snacks in between.  Each night ended with a campfire under the stars, before we all cozied up in one big bedroom together and telling stories.  One night, we even went to a ‘Drive-In’ theatre nearby, where Mariah not only fell in love with Ninja Turtles, but also managed to stay awake for the late night show – and has fallen even more deeply in love with Planet of the Apes! 

When our trip was over, our big girl’s trip had just begun.  Mariah hit the road again – this time with her grandma, Papa & aunt, for a whole week in Ottawa.  My mom and I had prepped Mariah about this adventure for several months, so sure enough she took off without hesitation and barely even wanted to chat with mom & dad on the phone when we called from in Calgary.  She was probably too busy being spoilt and having fun – wearing a pink boa around her neck just for a casual dinner out, going shopping with the girls, and having lots of fun with her ‘step-cousins’ : )

September was a pretty smooth transition ‘back to school’ for all of us.  After 6 years of teaching at a school that’s considered a ‘long commute’ for us Calgarians (~45 minutes), Ivan got a Kindergarten position at a school just 5 minutes away!   The girls were a bit extra fussy for a few weeks as they got back in the swing of things, but now seem to be happy with the routine again.  Their playtime together continues to grow in length and cuteness.  Last night they crawled under our bed together and sang nonsense songs that that they made up as they went along.  Sometimes when I naturally respond to Kassiah’s call for ‘mommy’, she sharply advises me that she was talking to ‘that mommy’ and points to Mariah who has a proud smile from ear to ear.  When Mariah is in a particularly good mood, she tells me that she and Kassiah are ‘Chudders’ (which Mariah thinks means bff’s since there’s a Frozen song with a line about Anna telling Elsa ‘we used to have each other’).  In reality, I’d like to think Mariah continues to be my bff, since we seem to be attached at the hip while we argue non-stop.  But whenever she wants to do something crafty, she knows who to ask: “Daddy’s a good maker, right mom?”.  She goes around telling people that daddy is painting her ‘orange house’ (since it’s super outdated with tons of oak) white…and then reassures herself “but it’s okay, we don’t have to be sad”. 

Kassiah tries hard to keep up with her big sister, but it is usually apparent to the rest of us that she has a long way to go.  When Mariah practices her letter sounds, like “mu- mu- monkey”, Kassiah makes several brutal attempts too like “mu- mu- table” or “ru- ru- Kassiah”, which Mariah gets pretty tickled about.  Maybe I shouldn’t compare my children (but I do) and I always tease Kassiah for being a little slow compared to little Ms. Mariah.  Kassiah calls any type of bug a ‘mosquito bite’, and once when I asked her what she had on her pizza, she paused thoughtfully and then responded confidently “ummm… a plate”.  Let’s just blame it on sleep deprivation since Kassiah resists waking up each morning, exclaiming things like “Turn off the light, I sthleepin!”.  She also went through a “leave me alone” stage during the day, but that seems to be transitioning into a more polite “No, I do it aself” stage.  I’m pretty sure she’ll catch up to Mariah soon though, cause Kassiah has become our little bookworm.  Whether in the car, on the couch, or in bed, Kassiah can often be found curled up ‘reading’ herself a story.  If it’s a really good read (like when she picked up my last Khaled Hosseini novel) she might add some random commentary like ‘Oh my God’…other times, her chubby little fingers just continue to flip the pages until she falls asleep!  And if you’re starting to feel bad that we’re giving her a complex about being slow and chubby…please know that she brings it upon herself – her current favorite song is “All About the Bass”!

Summer Vacay

Well folks, the Calebs are officially back in our annual summer vacay mode – spending most days in & out of the backyard, losing track of the date…and loving every minute.  I’m working part-time this summer (which I could really get used to!), and Kassiah is home daddy, while Mariah continues to attend daycare most of the time, since she tends to have trouble getting back into a routine once it’s broken. 

Ivan’s dad ‘Papa G’ was around for the first 3 weeks of July, and for anyone wondering ‘isn’t 3 weeks too long a visit from an in-law?’…shockingly, the answer is no ; )  Ivan loved having someone to keep busy doing projects around the house with, and it was really neat for me to remember where he gets his wild creativity from.  When Ivan gave him a few hours break from slave labour, Papa G picked up some of Mariah’s paints and whipped together a masterpiece painting of the four of us enjoying a serene landscape.  Then he looked at it sideways, decided it wasn’t right and spent the next day making an even more impressive one, that Ivan framed and hung above our fireplace.  I also saw where Ivan gets his incredible inability to estimate time, since he and his dad would often announce they were just heading out for a quick errand and I would see them re-surface a few hours later with pencils behind their ears, and sawdust in their hair, muttering some design plans under their breaths (and mysteriously understanding each other’s language).  Apparently, we ruined Papa G’s diet with some Dim Sum, Sushi and other favourite restaurants, but he didn’t seem to put up much of a fight.  We all took an amazing road trip to Montana, where Ivan’s dad taught him some golf, we all splashed around in the pool, and Ivan & I even got to go on a fancy dinner date.  We squeezed in some power shopping, where I literally pulled well priced clothes off racks and threw them in my cart like I was on a gameshow; and answered Ivan’s questions about which size to choose for the girls with “All of them!  They’ll match for the next few years”.

We just got back from our second road trip of the summer – to Kamloops, BC, to visit Ivan’s pal from high school, Taylor, and Taylor's equally awesome lady, Jess.  They showed us around town – great beaches with mountains in the backdrop, an amazing restaurant, possibly the best home brewed coffee I’ve ever had.  And in return, we gave them a live tutorial on what 2 and 3 year olds behave like on their best and worst moments!  Kassiah (or “Diggs” as we like to call her lately), bonded pretty quickly with Jess, who became her hairdresser and cuddle buddy.  In fact, Taylor & Jess both forgot Kassiah’s real name as quickly as Papa G had a week before, and affectionately started calling her “Diggs” too.  She lived up to the name and would generously hand her new friends the boogers she would carefully pick for them, and hand over with just enough determination to make it physically impossible and far too awkward to decline.  Diggs happened to be extra cranky with a cough, cold, and teething, this past weekend, so she was kind enough to beat Jess’s 4am alarm clock for work and replace it with a far more calming sound.  I’m pretty sure the two of them are talking right now about how boring and predictable couple life is, and how they can’t wait to throw kids in the mix!  We had good intentions of camping on the way back and we (i.e. Ivan) had worked really hard at packing the car with all the necessities...but we decided it would be even less fun to have Diggs wake up at 4am in a tent...so we postponed for now.

Our next and final trip of the summer will be home to Ontario in a couple of weeks.  And before I end off, I’ll share some usual tidbits, this time from Kassiah who recently turned 2:

 “No!  I kalkin to daddy!” when I answer a question that I mistakenly assumed was open to the general public

“Hide!  Monsta comeen…he catch you” – as she darts under the blankets spontaneously

“Kinkle, kinkle little tar, how I wonder what you are…up ababa world so high”

“One, two, three, four, seben”

“laba laba lub you!”

“Lee me!  I canky”

And my all time favourite (care of Papa G and a ziploc bag) “No you zip it!”

Besties

Over the last few weeks, our girls have finally started to play together a bit more, and their chemistry is pretty amazing to watch.  Mariah is a very confident big sister who is more than happy to create a make believe game on the spot and direct Kassiah as to her role.  Some days Mariah is the shopkeeper and Kassiah is the customer, other days Mariah is the baby and Kassiah is the mommy, and yet others Mariah somehow gets to remain Mariah while her sister gets to be a dog.  Kassiah is slowly starting to make attempts at stringing a couple of words together, but since her vocabulary is still limited, Mariah has become a pretty good interpreter.  Often, Kassiah says nothing at all during their playtime, since Mariah is so busy bossing her around that Kassiah doesn’t even bother to try and get a word in edgewise.  These play sessions started out being just a few minutes before one of them ran to us crying and complaining about something the other had done.  But they seem to be getting a bit better at conflict resolution since they disappear together for longer stretches everyday.  One Saturday morning Ivan and I wondered what would happen if we just stayed in bed for a few extra minutes while they went down on their own – sure enough Mariah pulled a chair up to the pantry and served herself and Kassiah cereal for breakfast!  They even seem to enjoy bath time together more in the evenings – giggling about inside jokes, and Mariah making attempts to wash both of their hair with as much shampoo as she can get her hands on.  Lately bath time ends in Rya screaming that ‘baby bit my finger’, which baby adamantly denies, despite a clear baby sized tooth indent on Mariah’s finger.  But to be fair – I give them both a shout: baby for biting, and Mariah for undoubtedly bugging her sister and then waving her delicious finger in front of a chubby girl’s mouth. 

Ivan and I have been so used to feeling needed, that it’s almost eerie when they give us a few minutes of space here and there.  I usually use those few minutes squeezing in some dishes and laugh when Ivan tries to convince me I’m going to want a 3^rd one to 'fill up my time'.  For now, I am quite content feeling like my life is becoming ‘manageable’ again, with the odd silence here and there. 

And incase you’d like an individual update on what these girls of mine are up to…

Mariah

First of all, Mariah has started to remind us that her name is Mariah, not Rya.  Since I sometimes tell her she is ‘bigger’ to explain certain things (like why she is toilet trained and her sister uses a diaper) she has come to think of being ‘bigger’ as an absolute term.  When I tell her she can’t drink my coffee, she insists ‘but I bigger now, mama’.  Once she came across a tampon and I didn’t have the energy to fully explain it so I told her it goes in a ‘bum’.  Sure enough, there she was the next day trying to push a wrapped tampon through her underwear because ‘I bigger now’.  Her other cute reasoning language is that if she’s explaining something to you, Mariah will say ‘cause why? Cause…’.  Thanks to her gang of sassy girlfriends at school, she went through a brief phase of exclaiming ‘that’s not fair!’ and ‘well..’.  It took a few days of me saying ‘no more well’s’ before she stopped and then started correcting me when I said it.  Mariah’s favourite nursery rhymes lately are ‘Mary had a little lamp’ and ‘Baa baa black sheep have you any wool?  How I wonder what you are’.  When Kassiah isn’t in the mood to play with her, Mariah usually pretends she’s an angry teacher who threatens imaginary children that 'I will put you in the toddler room’ if they don’t sit criss-cross applesauce for circle time.  And when she’s drained from her long day of feistiness, Mariah and I lie in her bed belting out the songs from Frozen before falling asleep.

Kassiah

Our sweet little Kassiah seems to be reaching her terrible two’s a bit ahead of schedule.  She’s become pretty irritable and cranky lately – and will often be found going limp into a ball of tears over the slightest issue.  But when she bounces back to normal, her cuteness is only growing along with her words.   Her favourite word strings are ‘hoddog peez', ‘tatoo (thank you) mama', 'dada gowan (gone)', 'wateh peez', and sometimes 'Yaya Ow' (to tell on her sister).  She has begun the ‘No!  I do it!’ phase, which requires a great deal of patience since her motor skills are lacking.  Yesterday we tried to take the girls on a stroller walk, but they both insisted on pushing their own strollers, so the walk became very, very long.  Ivan learned first hand how independent Kassiah is becoming through a little social experiment she played recently.  I told Ivan I was popping out to the store for an errand (which he verbally acknowledged but probably only half-processed since he’s a man).  Twenty minutes after I left the house, Ivan called my cell phone and asked ‘Where are you?...and did you take baby with you?’.  The people around me must have thought I was crazy, since I yelled ‘NO!  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?’.  To top things off, I heard Ivan and Mariah drop the phone as they scurried off to frantically find Kassiah so I couldn’t even call back for clarification.  Apparently, Kassiah had decided to quietly sneak upstairs and hide under Mariah’s blanket – without saying a word during Ivan’s first scour through the house.  He claims he and Rya looked up at each other from the t.v. a couple times, wondering aloud 'where's Tu-tus', but assuming I had taken her since she hadn't made a peep since I left.  Or at least that’s his story and he’s sticking to it!

The little stuff

Have you ever seen the show ‘Hoarders’?  You know – the one where people’s homes are condemned because they’re filled to the brim with junk?  Well, that might just be Rya’s ticket to fame one day.  She’s always been a bit of an odd cookie – and her latest weirdo trait is that she has a habit of collecting the strangest objects.  It began with small, understandable things – like picking up pebbles outside and keeping them in her pocket.  Ivan teases her that she’s trying to hang on to memories the way Joe Pesci’s character did in the movie ‘With Honours’ (for anyone who’s watched it: ‘boy oh boy’).  Then she started getting a bit obsessed with bandaids.  My parents tell me they bought a lot of bandaid boxes to keep me happy as a child too, so I chalked that one up as normal.  But the collections are definitely evolving to include some very random things, that Rya still seems to find interest in.

Each night, she insists on bringing at least a handful of things to bed.  Usually it includes bits and pieces of things she’s been ‘working on’ – so pieces of paper, crayons, sticky notes, etc.  Once she wanted to bring some snack leftovers and when I warned her that bugs would come for them, she suggested I put them in a Ziploc bag.  I was so impressed by the idea that I had to oblige – but that has just added to her addiction.  Now it’s a regular occurrence for Rya to request a Ziploc bag to hold as many random objects as she can squeeze inside – pompoms, board game pieces, dice, coupons, decorative tissue paper, you name it.  And if you want to test the theory that hoarders have an emotional connection with their belongings – I dare you to hide one of those items in the morning – or better yet – let it fall under the bed when you’re trying to put her to sleep.  She will tell you the exact size, colour, and shape of the missing object and insist that she gets it back.  In fact, last night Mariah tried to include a finger puppet in her bedtime stash but then realized it was missing an eye.  Sure enough – she convinced her daddy to get out his hot glue gun and put another googley eye on her puppet before she went to bed.

Sometimes Mariah’s objects include wardrobe accessories that she wakes up still wearing in the morning.  It doesn’t even surprise us anymore to see Mariah emerge from her room wearing a combination of Ivan’s tie, my eye covers, and/or a pink cape.  And whereas most kids go to bed wanting a book to read – Mariah sometimes requests a pen and paper since she learned to threaten ‘writing a report on you’ from her school.  I thought that one was so funny that I actually loaned her my clipboard, since I can relate to her love for paperwork : )

And as much as all of Mariah’s little stuff makes me laugh…it also reminds me about a really nice quote I came across recently:

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff. 

~Catherine M. Wallace~