Dear Me

Here I am with just a few weeks left to go (give or take) before baby #3 arrives.  I finished work yesterday and am feeling very ready to put my feet up, in between chasing kids.  I was still feeling pretty good up until recently, and tried to tell myself I would ‘enjoy’ the remainder of this last pregnancy without wishing for it to be done.  But I guess I had forgotten how uncomfortable and exhausting the final stretch can be.  I still consider myself among the lucky preggo’s – I don’t have swollen hands or feet; nausea ended a long time ago; I’m told by shocked women around me that I generally look pretty happy and content.  But I definitely still have a constantly evolving list of complaints: I get dizzy when I stand for too long; my back aches in the evening and feels like it’s going to fall apart when I attempt to toss & turn at night; and baby’s head is pushing down so low that I kinda wish I could wear a Mumu 24-7.  The logical part of my brain is thankful my babies are not premature and are in the correct birthing position…but the emotional part of my brain doesn’t give a $#!* and misses feeling like a ‘normal’ human being. 

When I’m not consumed with all these current issues, my thoughts start to wander to the exciting and chaotic life that awaits, around the corner.  We are all getting very anxious to meet our sweet little Isaiah and I’m sure we will all love him to pieces.  But I’m also trying to mentally prepare, as best I can, for all the wild and crazy elements of life with a newborn (and in this case + two other kiddos).  I figure my post-partum self may need a pep talk from the person who knows her best, so here goes an extended note to self:

Dear Me,

By the time you read this, you will have already met and fallen in love with your little boy – how exciting?!?  I hope that your labour and homebirth were as positive as the first two experiences.  Sorry that Ivan wasn’t able to finish renovating the ensuite in time – hopefully the birthing pool worked out well instead.   Did the Doula’s help him know exactly what to do and say to be supportive?  Did the midwife follow through on her promise to let him help ‘catch’ the baby?  If it was anything like the first two, I’m sure things went smoothly and the scary painful part didn’t last too long.

Despite having your amazing new baby to bring you love, I’m sure you are also going through some rough moments that come part and parcel with a having newborn.  You may catch yourself asking “what was I thinking?”, “why did I ever listen to Ivan’s rationale for wanting a third?”, “how am I ever going to manage all of this?”.  You will probably find yourself wishing you could rewind to a time where you felt more sane and in control.  You will definitely have moments when you are so irritable that the slightest thing Ivan or the kids do, will cause you to burst into tears and feel miserable for a little while.  Given all the insanity you are dealing with right now, I thought you would appreciate some words of advice and a few small gifts…

On Ivan:

Yes – he has always snored; he has always mumbled; he has always chewed his food too loudly for your liking.  Those things are just a tad more noticeable and irritating now because you are feeling sensitive, and let’s face it: ‘hormonal’.  Try to remember that despite being the handy, kindergarten teaching, SuperDad that many wives envy – Ivan is still a man, and therefore will still drive you crazy.  He will continue to ask you what time appointments are three times before checking the calendar; he will lose his keys and wallet several times per day; and he will spend hours in the garage if you give him permission to go tinker for ‘a couple of minutes’.  As Hal once admitted on ‘Malcolm in the Middle’, all a husband can really offer you is his full obedience.  Ivan will never decipher from your body language or subtle hints that you are hungry, tired or in need of a break from the kids.  But if you tell him these things in clear sentences, along with specific instructions on how to help (no more than 2 steps at a time, of course), he will do his best to make you happy. 

On Mariah:

Your darling girl has probably become even more of a little mother hen.  She will be helpful in many ways, and unhelpful in many ways, but try to keep thanking her for her efforts – she means well and takes pride in being useful. 

On Kassiah:

Diggs will probably be following her sister’s lead in trying to do all the things for Isaiah that she is barely capable of doing for herself.  At some moments she will love him to bits, and at others she will be an angry little ball of jealousy.  Try to squeeze in some extra hugs and kisses with her as she adjusts out of her role as the baby.

On You:

You are an amazing mom!  You may not feel like it, at times, but this is one gig you are truly good at…and you need to remind yourself of that.  Be proud of the happy moments you create with the kids instead of feeling guilty about the few when you lose patience with them.  Try to congratulate yourself for the three chores you get done in a week rather than kicking yourself for the seven you didn’t get to.  When you feel frazzled and embarrassed for dropping Mariah to school late, remind yourself that her Kindergarten attendance won't count toward university…and that it’s a miracle you got yourself and three kids dressed and out the door.  When tears are rolling down your cheek ‘for no reason’, remind yourself they will pass and that it’s normal to feel upset given the physical and emotional roller coaster you are on.  Remember to tell Ivan when you need an hour by yourself – and use it for yourself…take a bubble bath, read a book, squeeze in a blog!  Your sleep deprivation plays a big role on your mood.  Baby will start to give you longer stretches soon; in the meantime be sure to nap when the kids are napping instead of trying to ‘catch up’ on the never ending pile of laundry.  Make sure you eat and drink regularly so you have the energy to keep the kids well taken care of too.  And when you’ve done everything you can and it’s still not enough – call a good friend who can validate all of your venting and make you smile. 

Some gifts from me to you (i.e. me!):

·      I’ve carefully budgeted your top-up payment from work to cover a few essentials:

o   Ivan is taking parental leave for the entire first month! 

o   You will not cancel your monthly cleaning lady during leave

o   Kassiah still has a drop-in spot at her dayhome – use it!

o   I made and froze a few meals for you to pop in the oven when you’re having a bad day.  When they run out, order pizza!

I hope all these tips and tricks are enough to keep you afloat until life feels a bit more manageable again.  That day will be here soon, I promise!

Oh Boy!

Since this is our 3^rd (and final!) baby, Ivan and I had decided to have a surprise with the gender.  I bought a bunch of yellow baby clothes and we explained to the girls that they may get a brother or a sister.  At first Mariah wanted a brother, but thought about it for a minute and said “Well, I only want one boy…and daddy’s my boy”.  She then spent the next few months daydreaming about another sister – brainstorming names, rehearsing what they would do together, and assuring Kassiah that another girl would make their games more fun.  Around the same time, the idea of 3 high pitched voices started to scare me!  We definitely weren’t ‘trying for a boy’, and truly would have been happy either way…but I kind of felt like it was a boy and we started to get curious.  By ultrasound day, when the tech asked if we wanted to know gender my response quickly evolved from “I think so”, to “I mean yes”, to “whoah, I see balls!”  Everyone asks if Ivan is thrilled to get a boy, but to be honest he almost looked a tad disappointed, probably since he is so used to little girls : )

Now that I can picture the little guy, my excitement is growing.  I’ve been folding and re-folding his new (used) blue sleepers and watching Mariah & Kassiah’s baby videos to remind myself how tiny they were.  The part that’s scaring me most though is that I’m entering my third trimester, just as we enter summer.  Calgary is already in the 30’s, which is not typical weather here – and it’s predicted to be a long hot summer.  I love summer, and will try not to complain too much…but just so you understand context – I’m a warm-blooded person even when I’m not pregnant and was sweating through blizzards during Mariah’s pregnancy.  Luckily, the program I work for closes in the summer, so I’ll just be taking some part-time shifts and can spend the rest of it at the lake or finding other creative ways to be lazy and keep cool. 

The other challenge of 3^rd trimester is that it usually comes along with some new and interesting aches and pains.  The hormonal and physical changes that loosen you up to prepare for delivery also tend to make you a bit injury prone.  Last week I went for a prenatal massage, which I loved at the time, but the next day I started having some back & shoulder pain.  The pain got more intense over the last few days and started to feel the way I imagined a broken rib so I went to the doctor and learned that it was muscle spasms in my back that were pulling on the bone.  Normally, a doctor would prescribe anti-inflammatory medications, but since those can trigger contractions in preggo's they just told me to take Tylenol and get lots of rest.  Luckily, with a super-husband like mine, that’s actually quite possible. He took the girls to a movie today and is now at the grocery store so I can put my feet up. 

Before I end, I’ll leave you with some latest updates on the girls…

Mariah:

At four and a half, Mariah has been getting a bit more mature and calm lately.  She loves life and always has something to do, so even on weekends she starts whispering ‘is it wake up time?’ around 7am.  Mariah is really good at entertaining herself, with things like drawing and playing pretend.  She is still a sensitive little creature who cries at the drop of a hat if something hurts her physically or emotionally.  But that also helps her to be a great little mommy and I can already picture her taking great care of the baby.

Kassiah:

We like to call her Captain Obvious since she likes to point things out just to hear the sound of her own voice.  She’ll often say things to Ivan like “you’re wearing a shirt, right dad?”.  She was headed out the door once and then turned around to ask me “you have thumbs, right mom?”.  We once got a parcel in the mail that Mariah was trying to determine the contents of based on the shape and Kassiah confidently explained “It lookth like a boxth”.  We try not to laugh and give her a complex, but sometimes it’s hard not to.  On April Fool’s Day, Mariah quickly caught on to the concept and made a few jokes that made sense.  Then Kassiah said “Look at the wall” and when we all looked, she said “April Fool’s” as her confusing punchline. 

Halfway There!

I’m back to the stage of pregnancy that most women love best: 2^nd trimester.  Nausea and fatigue are behind me, my belly is taking shape, and for the last few weeks I’ve been starting to feel some ‘flutters’ from baby’s movements.  Initially, I had some definite cravings – sour candy (which I never otherwise eat), iced tea (which I generally love, and always love more when I’m preggo), and thankfully – more fruit than usual (the latest are mangoes & watermelon).  I was starting to have some heartburn but decided I really don’t wanna deal with it this time, so I’ve been taking prescription medication that seems to be working so far. Usually I tend to wait until I’m massive and almost immobile before seeing a chiropractor, but this time I’ve been proactive and my hips are thanking me.  I’m 19 weeks now, so almost halfway to the finish line, and trying to enjoy this ‘good stage’ while it lasts.

Since I’ll be back in this boat soon, and since I have a few first-time mom friends who are almost ready to pop, I thought I’d finally blog about a topic I’ve been putting off for years: breastfeeding.  For me, breastfeeding has been a really positive and relatively easy process with both girls.  As newborns, both Mariah and Kassiah figured out how to ‘latch’ almost instantly, so I was lucky to just go with the flow (no pun intended).  Even with this simple start, breastfeeding was still quite painful at first – but for me, that normal soreness subsided after a week or two.  After that, the experience started to feel natural, calming, even enjoyable since it gave baby and I opportunities to cuddle and stare at each other.  Co-sleeping also made the experience quite easy since I would eventually just roll over and give baby a snack, without interrupting my own sleep too much.  But the more ease I’ve had with breastfeeding, the more I’ve learned never to take it for granted.  Some of my closest friends have had a completely different experience than mine.  For many women, breastfeeding can feel like a torture experiment in emotional and physical pain thresholds.  Their newborn baby needs milk, their bodies are ‘supposed’ to produce this milk, but for whatever reason, nature just doesn’t cooperate.  Sometimes baby can’t figure out how to latch properly, sometimes mom’s milk supply is too low or too high, sometimes there is no magic answer.  Unfortunately the cycle seems to intensify quickly since mom’s nipples can become sore and cracked, which as you would guess, makes it excruciating to nurse the hungry baby.  And all the while, everyone around them asks about the process – directly or indirectly, with the general expectation that everything is fine. 

As with almost every element of baby care, society seems to generously offer unlimited amounts of advice and judgment.  As many of my friends tried to manage their internal guilt and sadness about difficulty breastfeeding, they would be met with additional pressure from people around them.  When they broke the shameful silence and admitted that breastfeeding was not going well, many were lectured by friends, family, doctors, even doulas, about the benefits of breastmilk vs. formula.  Many women are urged to ‘not give up’ and pressured to try a range of medical or natural remedies to aid the process with the promise that ‘it will get easier’.  Now I’m not saying that it can’t – for some it does.  And I’m not saying there isn’t evidence about the benefits of breastmilk and the bonding of nursing.  But – for a new mom who is struggling to maintain her sanity and trying hard to determine whether she has the strength to continue attempts at nursing, that information starts to feel like harsh propaganda.  The stats become arrows that strike the hearts of already emotionally torn women, and make their ‘decision’ much harder.  I think the most important thing a woman can receive in this situation is the unconditional, overwhelming, non-judgmental support to do (or not do) what feels instinctively comfortable to them.  Whether that means supplementing with the odd bottle of formula to give mom a well-deserved break now and then, or switching completely to formula if breastfeeding is more painful than it is enjoyable – that decision should be up to mom. 

As someone who lucked out with breastfeeding, I soon realized I was still not immune to the criticism and opinions of others.  Even in a society where Human Rights Laws justify the natural act of breastfeeding as perfectly acceptable in public, reality will often tell a different story.  Since newborns pretty much need to nurse all the time, a large percentage of these feedings are bound to happen in public spaces.  Generally, I tried to use a nursing cover for my own comfort and preference, but sometimes this made baby too hot and often made it harder for me to see what I was doing and get them settled.  Again, just about the worst thing in that situation is being told (either overtly or just with some subtle glares or facial expressions) that what you are doing is ‘not appropriate’.  Another area I received unsolicited advice on, was about my ‘decision’ to continue anti-depressant medication while breastfeeding.  The old-school mentality was essentially to not consume anything that ‘could’ potentially harm your baby during pregnancy or breastfeeding.  This works lovely for the people around mom, who can offer their advice without dealing with the consequences.  But again, for those of us who may already be struggling with our own mixed emotions, it can be completely aggravating or hurtful, depending on the day.  I’ve had a pharmacist angrily ask me ‘do you know this is unsafe for your baby?’, while reluctantly filling a prescription that was obviously from a doctor who felt it was okay.  I think I confidently responded by telling him I was aware of the very minimal risks, and felt the tremendous benefits of being able to emotionally care for my baby were more important.  In retrospect, I kind of wish my response involved some swearing, or at least sarcasm like: ‘Oh my gosh, really? How silly of me to consider my own health important.  Let me just throw out these unnecessary pills and try to ignore the symptoms of post-partum depression!”.  A really amazing website for any expecting or new mom around informing our decisions on what substances truly do have significant levels of risk and others that may not is: motherisk.org. 

Finally, on a positive note about breastfeeding, I would just like to share that I apparently have super-lactating powers that may never disappear.  Kassiah refused to stop nursing until she was two, and a few months later she gave me a sad puppy dog look and requested a ‘drink’.  I laughed and obliged, assuming that my milk supply would be long gone and she would realize it was a waste of time.  But sure enough – after a couple minutes of trying – she was successful.  I thought it was a one-time mystery, but every few months, she has made an attempt and my milk magically re-appears for those few minutes and then seems to vanish without a trace.  I’m hoping this is a sign that breastfeeding will go just as easily with baby #3…but I guess I’ll also have to keep Kassiah at arm’s length so she doesn’t try any funny business. 

Take 3!!!

So…remember a few entries ago, when I doubted Ivan’s ability to convince me on baby #3?  Well apparently that was the one blog he read and he must have taken it as a serious challenge to his manhood.  His original strategy of predicting aloud that I would want another one when Kassiah’s baby-ness wore off, was pretty unsuccessful – since “I love being wrong…and being corrected by my husband” was said by no woman, ever.  So he shifted to reverse psychology, saying ‘yeah maybe you’re right…two is enough’.  Suddenly, when I didn’t feel the weight of having to guard my uterus, combined with a noticeable increase in Ivan’s laundry productivity…I changed my mind.  Or I guess I should say ‘I changed my mind back’ – since Ivan and I had always wanted three kids.  My self-doubt starting surfacing after Mariah, and then grew bigger after Kassiah.  In retrospect, I realize a large part of feeling overwhelmed was probably because we had them too close together for comfort.  There really is no ‘perfect age gap’ between siblings, but I would say 2-3 years is likely a lot more manageable than the 18 months opted for.  And sure enough, as Ivan initially predicted, Kassiah’s new found independence has left me feeling sane enough to think again…and finding my thoughts drifting toward missing the baby stage. 

Are you asking yourself ‘does she realize she is about to be overwhelmed all over again?’.  Well – yes – I realize that’s part of the package deal.  In fact, I’m thinking one good blog topic during this pregnancy will be a ‘note to self’ to read on the inevitable bad post-partum days when I ask myself ‘what was I thinking?!?’.  Having a third child will result in a string of new challenges that I used to argue against Ivan with: more costs, being outnumbered by children, more noise, more insanity, etc.  But, I’ve started to realize that a significant amount of my logic against having a third, had to do with the temporary challenges.  I really miss having extra cashflow to afford sunny vacations, and only noticed that I actually like ‘alone time’, after motherhood stripped that privilege away like a bikini wax.  But I’m pretty sure those things will happen again…they might just take a couple more years.

In my first few years of motherhood, I’ve learned that it’s really easy to have tunnel vision in the phase of life you’re going through.  The task de jour, whether pregnancy nausea, newborn night wake-ups, or toddler tantrums, are so consuming, they often feel like they will last forever.  And then – the second it’s over, you magically forget about it and move on to your next challenge.  Moms, especially, don’t take enough time to pat ourselves on the back for the amazing things we’ve accomplished, and to assure ourselves that whatever the future holds – we can handle it.  When friends with older kids talk about small successes, like their child buckling their own seatbelt, or taking a shower on their own, or getting themselves dressed, it seems like a lifetime away.  But those things will happen…and when they do, I’m sure I’ll be watching baby videos and sobbing : )

Sure enough, this first trimester of pregnancy has reminded me that pregnancy is much harder than I remembered!  The first few weeks were a breeze, but nausea and scent-sensitivity started to arrive around 7-8 weeks.  I would say I was just as nauseous with Mariah and Kassiah, and used to ‘give in’ to vomiting, mainly because it brought a mild sense of relief.  This time, whenever I caught myself leaning over the sink gagging, I would push myself up, look in the mirror and angrily say ‘nope – sorry, I’m not barfing this time!’.  Many women experience such strong nausea that the only way to stop it is with medication.  But luckily my urges were mild enough that I could apparently control them with a stern talking to.  The nausea combined itself with fatigue, which made things feel worse around 9-10 weeks.  A friend once described pregnancy fatigue as feeling sedated, which is pretty accurate.  I honestly had to call in sick by 11am a couple times to go home and sleep, cause my eyelids refused to stay open!  Finally, the symptoms started to ease a bit in weeks 11-12 and here I am more excited than ever to enter the second trimester, which most women usually describe as the best part of pregnancy.  Your energy comes back, you start to look like a cute preggo and not just a chubby chic, and best part of all – you start to feel less like someone with the flu, and more like there’s a baby inside you. 

Incase you were starting to feel like I was – that this blog was simmering down and losing its excitement at all…brace yourself, cause I have a feeling it’s about to get juicy again!

Winter Blues

Well, time has flown by again…and I can’t say all of it has been because I was ‘having fun’.  At least part of my writer’s block was probably due to some winter blues.  Even though Calgary has had an amazing winter so far, the decrease in hours of sunlight and chances to be outdoors definitely seems to affect my mood.  I’ve probably noticed it more so in the last couple of years since my mood has been more vulnerable as a mom.  I’ve had my ups & downs with the dreaded ‘Post-Partum Depression/Anxiety’ monster in the last few years.  And since Kassiah is now 2 and a half, it’s almost strange not to be able to chalk it up to that : )  Overall, I would probably say that I feel a whole lot more ‘stable’ these days than I did early on (likely because I never went off the anti-depressants I started post-partum!).  But I guess I’m coming to the realization that my mood may continue to be more fragile than it was pre-kids for…at least the next few years! 

Like a lot of people, I have a fair amount of genetic predisposition to depression and anxiety.  Before kids, I usually managed to cope pretty well to keep them at bay.  But I suppose with kids, the increase in factors beyond my control continues to be an adjustment that I don’t always cope as well with.  In the past, if I were having a tough day, I could just laze around, take it easy, or even just have a cathartic cry without worrying about anyone but myself.  But now, the tougher days are more easily triggered, and I get caught in the cycle of feeling guilty about feeling miserable.  If I feel ‘a moment’ coming on, Ivan is pretty good at getting the kids out of my hair.  But occasionally they’ve crept up into my bedroom to catch a glimpse of me looking and feeling a lot less put-together than they are used to.  That moment always kills me – since it’s the one I’m terrified they’ll remember.  So I just do the only thing I can – assure them and myself that I’ll be fine in a few minutes…and sure enough I am. 

Mornings have been especially tough lately.  Winter mornings are dark…and cold…and who wants to get out of bed, really?  But combine that with getting a 4 year-old ready for daycare, when she is even less motivated (and perhaps has less of a cognitive filter), usually does not make for a fun start to the day.  Mariah is a lovely and stubborn little monkey, who tries to negotiate each step in life lately.  Things that were meant to be occasional treats – like a cup of hot chocolate, or wearing a dress over her clothes – were beginning to be daily battles.  Just like any normal preschooler should, she demanded any and everything she could think of each morning to delay the process of going to school.  And like any normal mom – I would give a firm ‘no’ to most of them, but then eventually give in to one or two.  As I should really know from my work with kids, this ‘intermittent reward system’ turned into a behavioral nightmare, where my child was bossing me around far too much.  She was getting crankier, I was getting more irritable, and we were both getting nowhere.  I say this all in past tense as if the problem is solved – well maybe that’s wishful thinking.  Last week Ivan & I made a daily calendar (i.e. ‘behavior chart’) for Mariah – which again, I would not recommend for true ‘behavior issues’ in kids…but Mariah is a pretty rule-oriented gal.  We gave her a few pictures of reasonable motivators to get her going in the mornings and have let her choose one each day to help things run a bit smoother.  At first she threw a tantrum over wanting two special things in one day (because how could a princess be a princess with a dress but no sparkle gel in her hair?!?).  But overall, the method seems to be improving things a bit each day. 

And as for my mood, fingers crossed, it seems to be getting better as the days get longer.  But, like I’ve said in this entry, I’ve sort of come to an acceptance that the roller-coaster is somewhat normal.  I debated about whether to post on this topic…especially since I haven’t blogged in a while and I hate  to be a downer ; )  But being open and honest – about mommyhood, and life in general, is really what this blog is about.  There will continue to be lots of happiness in the entries to come, but this one is probably just as important, if not more.  I’ve had lots of good conversations with other women about the wonderful array of emotions we seem to cycle through, and I hope that being open about this helps to normalize & validate it for others. 

And incase anyone is wondering if this means I have any regrets about parent hood and wish I could go back – no way!  I think the purpose of life is to grow – to face challenges and overcome them; to have tough days and get through them.  For me, becoming a mom has been the hardest and most fun experience I could ever imagine.  So the tough moments have been well worth the priceless ones, by far.