My personal legend: A mother and a singer

I’m the type of person who has a very peculiar memory.  I rarely remember birthdays or what I did over the weekend, but my mind has stored vivid images of scenes from my childhood, as if they happened yesterday.  One such scene was in grade 2, when a substitute teacher asked our class to write down what we wanted to be ‘when we grew up’.  While most of my classmates wrote things like ‘teacher’ or ‘doctor’, I wrote ‘a mother and a singer’.  These two plans felt so personal and embarrassing that I folded my paper in half and asked the teacher not to share it with the class.  She later came over to me and with a gaze of respect and admiration, she assured me that my plans were just fine.  I thought back on that day for years to come and was amused by how sure I always was that I wanted to be a mom…and how hilarious it was that I thought I would be a professional singer considering I don’t have much of a singing voice.  (That idea was likely inspired by the fact that both of my parents are musicians, and that Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson were my idols in the 80’s!)

Anyhow, decades later, when I was pregnant, my sister gave me a book called ‘The Alchemist’.  She knew that I wasn’t much of a reader, but that I was at a place in my life where I was trying to come to terms with my sense of spirituality and purpose.  So I picked up the book and, sure enough, couldn’t put it down.  It took me on an amazing reflective journey of self-awareness and critical thought about the meaning of success.  The author, Paulo Coelho, wrote about the concept of ‘a personal legend’ – one’s authentic calling in life.  Like many of us, the main character spent many years traveling and trying various careers in search of what he was meant to do, only to realize that the answer was within him all along.  He didn’t need education or wealth to fulfill his potential, he just needed to look inside himself to acknowledge his strengths and interests, and choose a path that allowed him to let them flourish.  This story brought me a sense of peace and satisfaction with my own life.  As an anxious and ambitious person, I often second guess my decisions and wonder if I’m where I should be in life.  The alchemist taught me that a personal legend is special and meaningful, no matter how big or small; no matter how simple or complex.

A few days after Mariah was born, I was rocking her and singing her the chorus of a song I love, “Oh Mama” by Justin Nozuka.  I may have changed keys a few times and probably even went off pitch, but Mariah just gazed up at me like my voice was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard.  It brought me back to that moment in grade 2 and tears started rolling down my cheeks.   In fact, it was the first time I had cried since Mariah was born.  I had never fully understood what I had written on that little piece of paper until this moment.  At last, I was “a mother and a singer”, perhaps not in the same way I visualized when I was a child, but in a way much more powerful and meaningful than I ever could have imagined – I was realizing my personal legend. 

The Alchemist has taught me that perhaps we should not be asking our children what they want to be ‘when they grow up’.  But rather, we should be asking them who they are, and respecting their answers.  If our personal legends are truly within us, then perhaps they’re predetermined at birth, perhaps we know exactly who we are as kids and just lose track of it when navigating the complex world around us.  So take a minute and ask yourself if you are living out your personal legend today.  And if the answer is ‘no’, maybe you need to chat with your inner child to remember what it is you were put on this earth to do.  (I know this post is a bit Oprah-esque, but just humour me!)

A little part of me...

Although Mariah used to enjoy being passed from person to person as an infant, she’s recently started to become very fussy when she’s away from mommy & daddy.  During visits with family and friends, she prefers to cling to us than to be carried by anyone else.  When I leave the room, even for a moment, Mariah starts to cry and chases after me.  Background noises that didn't use to phase her, like the shower or vacuum, now send Mariah scurrying to my feet in a panic.  And my poor aunts have been tortured by her loud and dramatic tears & screams when they try their best to babysit.

I was beginning to think we had somehow ‘spoiled’ her already, but I did a bit of research and learned that it is all quite normal for her age (http://www.babycenter.ca/baby/development/socialandemotional/independence/).  Around 6 months, babies usually start to experience some separation anxiety.  Apparently this sense of ‘stranger danger’ stems from the fact that they are starting to realize that they are individuals who aren’t actually part of their mommies.  When I first read this, I thought it was so cute, in a condescending sort of way – that a baby could mistakenly believe they were part of their mommy.  But when you think about it for a moment, a baby is created inside of mommy’s tummy and lives there for 9 months, so at one point, Mariah truly was ‘a little part of me’.  While it’s taken her several months for her to realize that she’s now a separate person, maybe it’s taken me the same amount of time to forget that we were once physically connected.  In fact, I wonder whether a mother's sudden adjustment to losing this part of themselves during childbirth is one of many factors that contribute to post-partum depression.  Another reason for separation anxiety is that babies under one year haven’t yet established an understanding of ‘object permanency’ (i.e. when you leave their sight, even for a moment, they think you’re “gone” and may not return).  Again, my first reaction was ‘silly Mariah, of course I’ll come back’.  But when you put yourself in baby’s tiny shoes from a survival perspective, it’s perfectly logical to fear separation from your parents since “cavebabies” really didn’t know whether their mommy or daddy would return each time they left.  

So I’m starting to give this kid a bit more credit and trying to see things from her innocent eyes.  Next time she gets startled by a dog barking and scoots her little self over to me, I’ll just give her a hug and assure her it’s not a predator (and I’ll try to enjoy those moments of closeness since I’m sure she won’t want to cling to me forever!). 

A mother's touch

To me a good mother is the perfect blend
of honesty, support, and love.
The kind so strong, you can feel her warmth
whether she's near, far, or above.

You call on her for guidance
when you don't know what to do.
She helps you find your inner voice;
to choose what's right for you.

And even when that choice
differs from her own,
She stays right by your side,
so you need not stand alone.

She holds your hand just tight enough
to let you know she's there.
Yet loose enough to let you be,
content in knowing she cares.

A mother doesn't push you

to do the things you fear.

Instead she gently pulls you

and whispers "don't worry, I'm here."

The softest skin you've ever touched,
a scent you'll never forget
Whenever you think her job is done,
she reminds you there's still time yet.

For no matter how old you grow,
and no matter how wise you become,
you will always be her baby;
she will always be your mom.

A monkey in doll's clothing

Remember when I wrote about the ‘calm before the storm’ just a few short weeks ago?  Well, it looks like the storm is beginning to brew as evidenced by the toys scattered around our house as though a hurricane just passed through!  Not only is Mariah improving her crawling, sitting, and standing skills, but she is also apparently working towards a degree in mischief.  At 7 and a half months old, she decided that she was old enough to climb the stairs, so she’s been practicing that whenever mommy turns her head.  She has discovered that our drawers and cupboards are filled with colorful and exciting new things – most of which she shouldn’t be playing with.  Despite having a toybox full of age-appropriate fun, Mariah prefers to pull all of our books out from the shelves, unfold entire laundry baskets, and her all-time favourite – eat paper from the recycling bin!  She demonstrates her love for a good challenge by using our dining set as a crawling maze.  Somehow she manages not to bump her head on chair legs, but makes up for it by falling down often when she’s trying to reach things she shouldn’t (like our fireplace or laptop).  I try scolding her with a firm ‘No’ but she misinterprets it as a game and usually smiles while she continues breaking all the rules.  Needless to say, babyproofing is on the top of our priority list at the moment.

We were beginning to worry that we had a fussy eater on our hands when she began pursing her lips and turning her face each time the spoon came near.  But we have realized that Mariah simply doesn’t like baby-foods nor being spoon-fed.  She will gladly finish half a banana for breakfast if you just set it in front of her and allow her to eat like a big girl (but one who makes a complete mess of herself).  Mariah also prefers to eat what mommy and daddy are eating, so we’re trying to make healthy and flavourful things we can all enjoy – last week she even had rice, dal (curried lentils) & fish for dinner!  Now before you post a comment about choking hazards or foods to avoid – don’t panic, I’ve done my research.  Many new parents are now choosing to implement ‘baby-led weaning’ (i.e. allowing your baby to explore and eat minced or finger foods independently rather than being spoon-fed purees).  In fact, I even attended a presentation by our hospital network that explains the pendulum has returned to minimizing purees and instead encouraging your baby to progressively eat whatever you’re eating by 1.

Mariah’s other miscellaneous monkey business includes her strong dislike for clothing.  She gets very upset when we try to dress her and tries her hardest to re-direct her limbs out of sleeves and pantlegs.  In fact, Mariah even resists diaper changes.  Instead of lying flat for optimal changing conditions, she constantly twists herself onto her stomach and tries to flee the scene as if she thought cleaning her poop was not a sufficiently stimulating task for me! 

Now – I know what you must be thinking “at least she’s old enough to sleep through the night so you’re well-rested”, right?  Wrong!  When most babies were busy learning how to sleep through the night around 4 months old, Mariah must have skipped that class and attended “how to become a worse and worse sleeper” instead.  My goal was to have her in her crib by the end of Ivan’s summer holidays, but since we can’t keep up her with demands through our exhaustion – she’s managed to sneak back into our bed for most of the night.  Whereas she used to sleep 3-5 hours at a time as a newborn, she has spent the last few months waking up every hour or two to nurse or just cause ruckus.  In fact, last night she sat up to chat and bang on our heads.  And when I asked Ivan what time it was, he growled “2 in the morning!” (I laughed and asked him whether the ‘in the morning’ part was really necessary).  And instead of taking hour and a half naps like other babies her age, she is usually standing up in her crib calling for us after half an hour. 

But as our families often remind us – apparently this is all pay-back.  Ivan and I were both arguably the most mischievious kids in our families…so if you do the math, Mariah’s genes are a perfect recipe for monkey business.  And just like my last entry – despite my sarcastic undertone, please know that we wouldn’t want Mariah any other way!  She keeps us on our toes but also keeps us entertained and smiling.  I’ve never met a more active baby and curious baby, but lucky for Mariah, I’ve also never met a cuter baby so it’s virtually impossible to get mad at her.

Back to the grind

Ivan returned to school/work this week and even though I’m still on maternity leave, I feel like it’s ‘back to the grind’ for all of us since I’m on my own with Mariah again.  The summer holidays were a much-needed respite for me to have an extra pair of hands around the house and left me dreading the school year.  But we all survived our first week and I’m feeling optimistic that the next few months will go well too.

Before summer holidays started, Mariah wasn’t able to entertain herself for very long.  But now that she’s able to sit and crawl, she can enjoy the satisfaction of her independence while I often have my hands free to keep the house in order.  A friend of mine asked what all chores I have, since I make them sound so endless on this blog.  In fact, it’s really not a lot – just keeping up with laundry and tidying…but with a baby around, everything seems to take twice as long!  Plus, since anything I try to do seems to get interrupted, I feel like my days are full of several partially completed tasks.  This in combination with my sleep deprived ‘baby brain’ result in me walking from room to room holding bits and pieces of various projects, without ever finishing any of them.  Since I’m a task-oriented woman (whereas men are typically process-oriented), it’s been quite an adjustment to develop a certain level of comfort with my new life of chaos.  At first, I tried desperately to fight against it by pushing my body to its limits and trying to do as much as I possibly could each day.  But I’ve realized that this attempt to regain any sense of control just leaves me spinning like a hamster in a wheel – trying hard, but truly never getting ahead since there is no ahead. 

Since many women like myself are now establishing careers before starting families, I think it’s an emerging generation that suddenly feel like failures when we try being stay-at-home moms since we associate success with a different type of productivity.  At work, I used to take great pride in starting and finishing tasks, doing paperwork, and even receiving the occasional affirmation.  At home, I feel like I’m caught between feeling busy yet bored at the same time.  My tasks are mundane and monotonous – changing diapers, making food, feeding baby, cleaning up, tidying, and then doing it all over again.  And whereas my work days used to be 8-4, parenting is 24/7.  I often catch myself grasping for mind-stimulating things that feel more like work (such as this blog!), since we live in a society that doesn’t validate how truly challenging and important the work of parenting is.  I used to envision maternity leave as a break and wished I could afford to quit my job to be a full-time mom.  And now I can’t wait to return to my day-job, since I’ve realized that being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done!  It reminds me of the movie ‘Marley & Me’ when Jennifer Anniston & Owen Wilson wondered why no-one had warned them how hard parenthood would be until they remembered everyone tried to but they never listened.  Despite all the warnings and advice people shared when I was pregnant, I truly wasn’t able to process the information until Mariah arrived since like childbirth – parenthood is just something that you won’t fully understand until it happens. 

But through all my complaining and venting, please be rest assured that as most parents say ‘I wouldn’t change a thing!’.  One of my goals with this blog is to be open and honest about the tough side of being a new mom since I think that’s important for non-parents (and new parents alike) to hear.  However, it’s not to scare anyone out of parenthood since it is also undoubtedly the most rewarding and amazing job I’ve ever had, despite the challenges.