Returning from the honeymoon

So just two short weeks into my return to work, my honeymoon phase seems to be slowly evaporating into thin air.  I spent my first few days convincing others, and probably myself, that I was 100% happy to be back at work.  When other mom co-workers would stop me in the hallway to ask if I was okay without Mariah, I almost had to hold in laughter and a cynical “Mariah who?”.  I don’t think I was in denial or faking, I just honestly felt great and lacked the self-awareness to know that my extreme excitement couldn’t possibly last forever.

In retrospect, I think that moving quickly from chronic social withdrawal and isolation into daily outings was a welcomed change initially.  I was so busy enjoying driving without screams from the backseat and going out for lunches, that I probably forgot that work is called work for a reason.  As my schedule is starting to pick up and stress tension is creeping back into my shoulders, I’m starting to remember what the ‘real world’ can actually be like sometimes.  I’m getting less excited to be driving, and more frustrated to sit in traffic; less enthusiastic about finding an outfit and more aggravated when my pre-pregnancy clothes don’t fit; and less eager to leave the house in the morning since I want to squeeze in more time with Mariah.  She’s starting to tug at my heartstrings too since she refuses to wave goodbye to me and instead holds onto me for dear life and waves to Ivan as if to say ‘dad, you’ve been a great sport…but I’m ready for mom to stay home again!’.

The good news is, despite all of my whining, I have no regrets and probably still like my job more than the average person (I’m not just saying that because my boss reads my blog : )  Most people I vent to assure me that this is all part of the natural process of adjusting into a new work-life balance.  It’s a good reminder that the grass always seems greener on the other side, but that if you focus on being mindful of the present and thankful for the positive things in life – the grass beneath you will start looking just as green.  I am so grateful that Ivan has chosen to take some parental leave since I can’t imagine dealing with returning to work and placing Mariah in childcare at the same time.  That stage will arrive in a few short months, and we’ve found someone wonderful who will take great care of our baby…but I’m glad I can deal with one step at a time.

Ironically, my recent lack of insight about this temporary ‘high’ reminds me a bit of how I felt immediately post-partum.  I think part of the reason I’ve been postponing writing about my mood changes on this blog is that I kept waiting for them to be ‘over’.  But I’ve learned that the first year and beyond can all be categorized as part of a ‘post-partum adjustment’ that often involves a number of complex and constantly evolving mood shifts.  So after much stalling, I think that this post is the perfect segway into an upcoming series of entries about my mood experiences thus far.  So stay tuned!