At the moment Mariah was born, I felt a strong dose of adrenalin pumping fiercely through my veins. I had just gone through 16 hours of labour (most of which were quite manageable, however) and had delivered Mariah naturally – yet I didn’t feel the exhaustion or pain I had anticipated. Instead, I felt excitement, an extreme sense of alertness, and a strong desire to stay awake and process the miracle I had just experienced.
For the next week or so, this adrenalin rush continued to offer me a natural high that lifted me to a place my emotions had never been. I was unbelievably happy to have my long-awaited bundle of joy in my arms, and initially I chalked my excitement up to a ‘normal’ reaction to this life-altering experience. When I wasn’t taking care of Mariah, I spent a lot of time following my mind on a frantic journey that explored rather deep topics such as my beliefs in God and spirituality. In fact, I remember lying in bed thinking intensely about my new interpretation of God (i.e. that there is an abstract higher force or power that reaches out to us through elements of nature and the life cycle, since I’ve never been one who was satisfied by the idea that God is an actual ‘being’ who oversees us and has the ability to intervene). Even as I reflect about this in retrospect, I can see how that would have felt like a powerful moment for me, but at that time I saw it as much more than that. I remember wondering if this was how Buddha felt when he reached ‘enlightenment’ (seriously). When I tried explaining this to Ivan, his first reaction was to smirk (probably since he was amused by my delusions of grandeur). And rather than realizing that I sounded a little crazy, I felt shocked and terribly hurt that he wasn’t taking my spiritual revelation seriously. In my mind I had almost expected him to be in awe of my realizations and in agreement that I had discovered valuable information that the rest of the world would be privileged to know.
My days were filled with uncontrollable laughter at things that weren’t really all that funny, a sudden urge to ‘nest’ and organize the house (which I had never experienced during pregnancy like some women do), a generalized feeling of urgency to complete all tasks as soon as possible (such as personally replying to dozens of congratulation e-mails), and constant surge of ideas flowing rapidly through my mind. It was the first time in my life that I had trouble sleeping at night – and I couldn’t even blame it on Mariah since she was a reasonably good sleeper. My mind was just racing so fast with so many thoughts and ideas that I found it nearly impossible to calm myself down. And since my frantic thoughts were positive and my mood was better than it had ever been, I didn’t have the slightest insight that this was anything to be concerned about.
However, after a few days of floating high on cloud nine, my husband Ivan had to gently tug me down to discuss the possibility that my emotional state was perhaps a bit beyond the ‘normal’ range. Until he pointed it out, I hadn’t realized that I was showing some rather out of character behavior such as talking nonstop (not just usual wife chatter, but literally rambling on like a runaway train that couldn’t slow down). It was a rude awakening to realize that the emotional high I was so thoroughly enjoying, was actually more of a manic state that was somewhat concerning.
We chatted these mood issues over with one of my midwives at my 5-day in-home check-up and she agreed that it was probably something that needed to be addressed proactively since it would likely result in some sudden mood drops. She suggested some natural remedies, such as Rescue Remedy Bach Flower, Valerian root tincture, and Coffeea homeopathic medicine, which I found very helpful in stabilizing my mood.
Despite now realizing that my manic days were somewhat unhealthy, I am thankful that I experienced them for several reasons. First of all, since I work in the field of mental health therapy, it was helpful to experience even a glimpse of what someone with manic depressive (or bipolar) disorder might feel. I now have a better understanding of why someone with this diagnosis might resist medications (since the manic phase can feel so exhilarating that it’s hard to give up). Likewise, my brief experience with this manic state helps me to see ‘mental illness’ in a uniquely positive light. I can understand why some cultures value community members with these types of characteristics, since they have a skillset that can serve both as survival tools and the foundation for inspirational thinking. In addition, even though many of my racing thoughts were a bit far-fetched, some of them were pretty intelligent. In fact, much of the content of this blog is based on pages of scribble notes that I jotted down in between feeds, or wrote for several hours straight when I couldn’t sleep at night. Okay, so I may have thought I was writing the contents of a best-selling book...but at least the ideas were there : )
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