Trouble in Paradise

I’m pretty sure the biggest parenthood myth I was ever told is that ‘a baby will bring you and your partner closer together’.  Yes – babies are wonderful, and they can turn a house into a home.  But let me tell you, they are probably one of the most significant stressors a couple’s relationship will ever face.  Ivan and I have both always wanted kids – to the point that we even bought baby items when we were just dating!  So we were probably so busy daydreaming about how a new baby would magically make our lives more enjoyable, that we forgot to mentally prepare for the practical challenges parenthood would bring into a marriage. 

Like many parents say – the moment they leave the hospital (or in our case, the moment our midwives left the house) – they are suddenly faced with the reality that they’re on their own.  Ivan and I have a reasonable amount of experience caring for babies, thanks to our nephews and younger cousins.  However, even with that under our belts, the constant demand for baby care (like nursing, changing diapers, bathing, etc.) in combination with sleep deprivation and maternal hormones can really put a marriage to the test.  I found that my heightened post-partum irritability served as a magnifying glass on our relationship.  If you’ve ever read about the ‘Five Languages of Love’, you will understand that Ivan’s ‘Acts of Service’ (like bringing me tea) and ‘Physical Touch’ (like offering me a massage) were clashing strongly with my need for ‘Words of Affirmation’ (like “I’m so proud of you”).  The mania I was experiencing not only caused me to talk excessively, but to feel hurt whenever Ivan didn’t respond.  So his tendency to mumble, have selective hearing, and difficulty expressing how he feels, suddenly shifted from being barely noticeable to extremely aggravating.  And I’m sure the feeling was mutual since my everyday wife nagging increased drastically and my sensitivity turned every nothing into something.  If Ivan was quiet, I thought he was mad at me; if Ivan talked loudly, I thought he was yelling at me; if Ivan didn’t hear me, I thought he was ignoring me…he truly couldn’t win.

As someone who has always prided herself on having an amazing relationship, I was devastated that things weren’t the same.  I missed my best-friend and almost felt like I was grieving the loss of the couple we used to be.  On top of that, I have to admit that I was starting to feel a hint of jealousy toward my innocent little baby girl since she had quickly captivated Ivan’s attention.  Whenever I heard Ivan calling Mariah ‘the love of his life’ or gazing at her lovingly, I felt even more hurt that our relationship was in a period of lacking that same affection.

After just a couple of weeks, Ivan and I made the wise decision to try some couple therapy.  As a therapist myself, I am a strong advocate that counselling can be helpful in any relationship, no matter how strong or healthy.  All we needed was a few sessions of chatting with someone who could help us put things in perspective.  We learned that our rough patch was very normal and that many people consider the entire first year to be the ‘post-partum adjustment’ since a new mother and her partner are faced with so many new challenges.  Our therapist had us do some much-needed homework to figure out who did which household chores pre-baby and how we would renegotiate now that our schedules had changed.  She also got us to talk about the current issues that were causing us tension like what was fair in terms of balancing nighttime feeding responsibilities--She helped validate that being a new mom is a 24/7 job and that it’s crucial to her physical and emotional health that her partner takes some turns with nighttime duties.

Luckily for Ivan and I, we have slowly returned to having a solid and happy relationship.  We still have the normal fights that every couple does, but I suppose I can finally agree that the challenge of having a new baby eventually brought us closer together…once we survived the storm: )