Why I Chose a Midwife and Homebirth

I can’t quite remember when I first became interested in midwifery and homebirths, but I think it was a progressive curiosity that emerged several years ago.  Soon after getting married and moving to Calgary I continued my research on midwifery and homebirths and was crushed when I learned that they had been covered in our previous home-province of Ontario but not in Alberta.  Lucky for me, in April 2009 - not long after we started trying – Alberta finally caught up and approved the coverage of midwife care too!  However, this recent change meant that I would be competing against a swarm of other open-minded preggo’s, all desperate for a birthing experience that differs from today’s norm.  Since most people who know me, know that I pride myself in being Queen efficiency and highly competitive, let’s just say I was up to the challenge.  I again did some internet research and learned that there were only three midwife agencies in Calgary (that I know of), each staffing a handful of midwives.  After reading all of the bios, I was particularly drawn to the ‘Sage Passages’ team at Birth Partnership Midwives (http://birthpartnershipmidwives.com/sage/).  So after applying to all the agencies the moment I had a positive test (literally), I was one of the lucky few to get through the waitlist…and even luckier to get my #1 choice!  

I walked into my first midwife appointment with only the tidbits of knowledge I had gained from obsessively watching home and/or waterbirths on TLC’s ‘A Baby Story’, for the last several years.  I was definitely interested in a homebirth (in fact, the day Ivan & I chose our house, I told him ‘now that’s a tub I can homebirth in!’), but wasn’t yet fully committed.  At that point, I hadn’t yet done enough research myself to battle off “what if’s” from concerned family and friends in an educated way.  But at some point during my 2^nd trimester, our research taught us that not only are homebirths as safe as hospital births, but probably even ‘safer’ in the sense that hospitals often over-use sometimes unnecessary interventions such as forceps, vacuum, C-sections, episiotomy, inducing medication, and – the all powerful epidural (http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/181/6-7/359; http://www.bmj.com/content/330/7505/1416.full?ehom)

Now, let me just say that I realize some backs might be arched, and some feelings might be hurt, by moms who have experienced births involving some of the interventions I just mentioned.  So let me clarify a few things:

1.             I am not ‘against’ medical care for high risk pregnancies. Midwives will be the first to tell you that they respectfully turn this over to OBGYN’s who specialize in this field.  However, since less than 5% of pregnancies are considered high risk, why would the remaining 95% of healthy low risk pregnancies be treated in the same way? 

2.             I am not ‘against’ delivery interventions altogether, and I definitely understand that there is a time and place for them.  Even when working with low risk pregnancies, a midwife will gladly accompany you to the hospital in ambulance if she sees signs of distress in mom or babe during labour.  However, a midwife’s view of fetal distress is far less conservative (and many, including me, would argue far more accurate) than the hospital’s view

3.             Neither am I ‘against’ a woman’s right to choose whether or not she wishes to receive pain medication, such as an epidural, during labour.  Some people have the misconception that natural childbirth advocates, like myself, are masochistic hippies who decline medication as a matter of principle and competition.  Okay – I may be competitive, may be principled, and may even be turning into a hippy…but I definitely don’t seek pain for pleasure.  The fact of the matter is that hospitals today rely on a downward spiral of inducing medications (such as pitocin) and pain medications (such as epidurals) that continue to counterbalance each other, make each other ‘necessary’, and most importantly – numb and confuse a woman’s intuitive connection with her body.  In a nutshell: induction intensifies contractions to be more painful than in natural childbirth, often causing a woman to feel the need for an epidural – which numbs her, makes it hard to push, and therefore slows labour (thus leading to the cycle of needing yet more pitocin and more epidurals).  There’s a great documentary by Ricki Lake (yup, I said Ricki Lake, the 90s talkshow host) that captures this topic far better than I can:

            http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com/

So whereas I don’t think less of women who chose pain medication – I do worry that many were not given enough information to make an educated choice…and that many are not given much of a  choice at all, considering how paternalistic the hospital way of managing births can sometimes be.

Finally, I want to end by explaining that I realize I am generalizing when I talk about medically delivered births vs. midwife delivered births.  The only way I know how to discuss the topic is to review the general trends I am aware of.  I appreciate that there are some wonderful nurses and doctors who support women through positive hospital births just like there can be not-so-great midwives who may not be able to create serene homebirths.  However, this blog is a summary of my personal overall opinion – take it or leave it : )

What’s on your mind?

What’s on your mind when you gaze up at the sky?

Would you trade your legs for wings, so that you could fly?

What do you mean when you gurgle and coo,

I will gladly oblige, if you just tell me what to do!

What’s in your dream, when you laugh in your sleep?

Did somebody teach you how to count sheep?

What are your thoughts when you see something new?

Do you wonder how it works and what it can do?

What do you think when you see your reflection?

If you knew what I know, you’d be in awe of perfection.

How do you feel when we snuggle up at night?

If you feel what I feel, then everything’s just right.

I can't help but wonder what's on your mind.

But I'm sure you'll have words to tell me, all in due time.

The tightrope

With four months of being a stay-at-home-mom under my belt, I must say that my greatest challenge so far has been walking the tightrope of enjoying my baby yet staying on top of my never-ending to do list.  I’ve been through some pendulum swings between trying to be a 1950s supermom who manages household chores without dropping a bead of sweat on her apron…to ‘calling in sick’ some days and just soaking up precious time cuddling with Mariah. 

On supermom days, I feel like a competent, productive, and efficient machine who can take pride in her tangible accomplishments.  The day starts with extreme multi-tasking as I somehow manage to bathe and dress myself and Mariah.  When she’s awake, I set her in her infant chair to do some vacuuming and when she naps I squeeze in time to fold clothes.  My sparkling floors and empty laundry hampers temporarily lower my stress level, and I picture serving Ivan a hot meal with a smile on my face when he gets home from work.  However, after a full day of depleting the little energy I have, Ivan is more likely to return home to an irritable wife who foolishly traded her afternoon nap time for the illusion of ‘getting ahead’ on chores that will never end.  And to top it all off, daddy will also likely be handed a cranky baby before he has time to take his shoes off, since Mariah had a boring day watching me clean and getting frustrated when I ignore her requests for attention.

On my sick days, I sleep-in as long as Mariah will let me and we stay in our pajamas all day.  The only multi-tasking I do is to microwave a frozen meal while carrying her.  We pass time by cuddling, reading books, listening to music, and watching t.v. together.  I bask in her beauty as I watch her fall asleep and then snuggle up so I can join her nap.  I try my best not to look at or think about the many chores that need to be done.  On these days, Ivan might return to a happy wife and content baby…but the house is a mess and there’s no dinner in sight.

As you can see, each of these days has its pros and cons.  In fact, both are probably necessary here and there to remind me how to prioritize my time.  What I’ve learned (slowly and through trial and error) is that the key to walking the tightrope of mommyhood is to incorporate the best of both worlds.  I think twice about whether something is necessary before adding it to my to-do list, use strategies like doing one load of laundry a day instead of 5 all at once, spend at least an hour cuddling and napping with baby, and try to squeeze in a walk instead of extra chores.  I know this year is a work in progress and I’m sure I will still have my fair share of ‘bad days’, but for now this is my plan to stay balanced.  

Mariah's first 3 months

There are so many mommyhood topics that I’m anxious to cover and I keep thinking ‘once I catch up, I’ll write about Mariah’.  But at that rate, you wouldn’t read about her until she graduates from high school.  So I will finally dedicate this blog entirely to little Ms. Mariah’s first 3 months, and the personality predictions I’ve drawn from them.

As most newborns do, Mariah spent about 90% of her first month sleeping.  But in between naps, she would occasionally reveal tidbits of her personality.  At 4 days old, I remember watching her try, and try again, to get her tiny little fingers into her mouth.  She probably spent a solid 20 minutes and countless failed attempts before finally giving up.  Each time her fingers came within reach of sucking, a twinkle of hope appeared in her eyes but was quickly replaced by frustration as her fingers inevitably slipped out.  It happened to be the first night my baby blues hit, when I too was being hard on myself, in terms of adjusting to the role of motherhood.  I caught myself comforting Mariah and telling her she didn’t have to learn how to be a baby all at once, and in the same moment it occurred to me that I didn’t need to learn how to be a mom all at once either.  That’s when I realized my little girl, fortunately and unfortunately, has received so much of me through her genes.  My guess is that she’s probably a bit anxious and possibly a perfectionist – character traits that will help her be ambitious, yet make Mariah her own toughest critic.  

The ambition was clear just a few days later when Mariah’s amazing motor skills emerged.  At 1 week old, we learned that she preferred side sleeping when she began to independently do half rolls.  Around the same time, she also began using her arms and her emerging neck control to push her head off our shoulders when we carried her upright, for a second or two.   At 3 weeks she expanded this skill by pushing her head up when she was on a flat surface.  Towards the end of her first month, she began attempts at ‘talking’/babbling and smiling at us, in a more interactive, and less random way.  Since she was still tiny enough, I got her to do the newborn swimming experiment in our bathtub.  I had probably learned about this as a teenager and decided that I would definitely try when I eventually had a baby.  Basically, if you blow in baby’s face to trigger their breath-holding reflex and then dunk them in water in a swimming position for a few seconds, they will instinctively swim – eyes open, legs kicking, arms paddling, the works!  The funny part was that when she cried a bit afterward, I cuddled her and apologized, saying ‘never again, baby’.  Yet, when Ivan exclaimed ‘that was so cool, wanna try it again?!?’, I replied ‘yeah!’

At 2 months, Mariah’s development became more observational.  She discovered her hands and enjoyed staring at them for entertainment.  Although we tried to avoid giving her a soother/pacifier for the first couple of months, we finally gave in and it became my, I mean ‘her’, new best friend!  Around this time she traded in her spitting up for excessive drooling (which is still one of her favourite hobbies).  Her talking increased both in volume and variety – she started making new sounds and even chatting away to herself sometimes.  At 10 weeks, she started giving me clear signs when she was sleepy – playing with her hair with one hand and staring at the other in front of her face while mumbling self-soothing sounds. 

Just when I thought she was becoming a little me, with all her chattiness, the 3 month mark showed a new side of Mariah.  She still has her talkative moments, but she’s also become more of a listener like her dad - quiet, observant, and intrigued by the world around her.  She seems more mature to me these days – like she’s now an active participant in her life.  Whereas she used to seem oblivious to outings, she now enjoys the change of scenery yet still gives me a ‘home sweet home’ sigh when we return.  She’s just started to giggle and did her first full roll yesterday. 

Her temperament has always been quite calm and easy to settle.  She rarely cries, and when she does it’s for a good reason, like when she’s in the midst of a growth spurt.  She feeds about every 3 hours, and at night she usually sleeps well in between, which means I’m lucky to get more sleep than the average new mom.   I’m also lucky that Mariah generally doesn’t mind being passed from person to person – we have big families, so she really has no choice!  In terms of features, she arrived looking exactly like her dad (apparently there’s a theory that this happened so cavemen daddies would know their baby was their own…since I think cavemen pre-dated Maury's DNA tests).  I would like to argue that she now has features from both sides – mommy’s eyes, daddy’s nose, uncle Gav’s big pouty bottom lip, grandma Maria’s diamond chin.  Her hair is usually straight, but when it’s wet after a bath, I see tons of curls.

From all of these observations, I predict that Mariah is going to be a beautiful, smart, and talented girl.  Do I sound like every new mom yet?  Okay, I’ll narrow it down a bit.  I think her advanced motor skills are a sign that she will be a good dancer and athlete (preferably a soccer player to fit family tradition, but I’ll try to let her decide).  Her chattiness and listening skills tell me that she will be a good friend.  Mariah’s focused ability to protest tells me she knows what she wants, and may be a bit stubborn.  Mariah's perfectionism tells me she's a self-motivated go-getter.  And the rest – I suppose I’ll await the surprise.

An arranged marriage in the making

Mariah awoke with an extra twinkle in her eye today, and now I know why.  Our best buds, Dave & Liza, have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of their little bundle of joy…and Cameron made his fashionably late entrance into the world early this morning!  He was due on the 23^rd so they’ve been busy trying to encourage the little fellow to make his way out.  Ivan taught Dave some acupressure points we had learned, and just two nights ago Mariah had her usual cuddle with Liza’s tummy, only this time I think she had a serious chat with her pal.  She must’ve assured him that it’s not so bad out here - either that or “it’s terrible out here, you gotta come save me!” (somehow the bossier, latter tone sounds a bit more like Mariah, to me).  Or maybe she gave him directions, since she knows how hard it is for boys to ask for those.  Whatever her method, she must’ve been convincing because Liza’s water broke a couple hours later!

Now for a bit of background: Dave and Ivan have been close friends since elementary school.  Dave’s family had moved from the East Coast to Ontario, where Dave met Ivan.  Apparently they took turns watching each other’s back on the playground to avoid getting beat up – or so the story goes.  They grew up together and were probably both a bit heartbroken when Dave’s family decided to move back out East soon after they started high school.  They kept in touch, as much as boys do, over the years – with a phonecall here and a visit there.  But as with any true friendship, no matter how far apart they were, it was like nothing had changed each time they re-connected.  They even tried to introduce their lovely ladies to each other before any of us were even married.  But being the boys they were (and are), their plan was ‘hey man, I’ve got tickets to the Jays game, do you wanna meet at the Skydome?’.  Seriously – no details, no cell phones, no nothing.  So Ivan and I sat patiently on one side of the Skydome thinking we had been stood up for our double date, while Dave & Liza did the same on the other side : )  Needless to say, Liza and I now make the plans with each other and then just tell our hubbies what time to be ready. 

Somehow, fate brought the four of us to Calgary…and we ended up buying homes just ‘around the corner’ from each other.  Us wives were both happy that our hubbies had each other to hang out with.  But I don’t think any of us could have predicted becoming as close as we have, as wives, as hubbies, as couples, and now as families!  Ivan and I were beyond ecstatic when we learned Dave and Liza were pregnant just one trimester behind us.  It even gave Liza and I the excuse to build our own friendship, one aquafit class at a time : )   When our little Mariah arrived, Liza's natural maternal instincts poured out instantly, and Dave's very normal new daddy fears did the same.  I'll never forget how tense and terrified he looked the first time he carried her, since she was the first baby he had ever held!  The next couple of visits we had to force him to hold her, to help ease his concern that he might break her.  But eventually his daddy confidence kicked right in and he started picking her up for a cuddle on his own.  Sure enough, on our first visit with Cameron, I watched Dave hold his baby boy with all the comfort and love that a natural dad would.  I even got a bit teary when he said that Mariah was the best thing that could have happened to him, since she gave him the chance to prepare for his own 'bubba' to arrive.  The four of us have been lucky to move through stages of life together: progressing from double dates at the Bar to watch UFC fights, to hanging out at home together for movie marathons, and now into a future hopefully filled with family roadtrips and new adventures.

We’ve been half-jokingly daydreaming about Cameron and Mariah falling in love one day.  By half-jokingly I mean if they don’t, then it was a joke, but if they do, then ‘see kids, we told ya so’.  In fact, I would prefer if it happened like in the movie “Riding in Cars with Boys” where Drew Barrymore’s son secretly falls in love with her best-friend’s daughter and they announce it to their parents when they’re all grown up.  I've even gone to the liberty of drafting some of Mariah's wedding vows about how she was born during a lunar eclipse and he was born on Earth Day: "Cam, I'll be your sky to help you know no limits, if you be my Earth to keep me grounded and safe".  Okay, so since that all might be a lot of pressure for these itty bitty kiddies (and since Ivan & I plan to try being as gender neutral as possible when we talk with Mariah about relationships), let’s just say that I would love for the two of them to grow up as close as peas and carrots. 

Since the four of us ventured across the country, away from our own families, it’s been beyond special to become like family to each other.  We love our buds so very much that we would do just about anything for them, and they’ve been so good to us, that we’re comforted in knowing the feeling is mutual.  And now that Cameron is finally here, it’s like he’s the missing piece to the puzzle.  Congratulations Dave & Liza!!!