Well, time has flown by again…and I can’t say all of it has
been because I was ‘having fun’.
At least part of my writer’s block was probably due to some winter
blues. Even though Calgary has had
an amazing winter so far, the decrease in hours of sunlight and chances to be
outdoors definitely seems to affect my mood. I’ve probably noticed it more so in the last couple of years
since my mood has been more vulnerable as a mom. I’ve had my ups & downs with the dreaded ‘Post-Partum
Depression/Anxiety’ monster in the last few years. And since Kassiah is now 2 and a half, it’s almost strange
not to be able to chalk it up to that : )
Overall, I would probably say that I feel a whole lot more ‘stable’
these days than I did early on (likely because I never went off the
anti-depressants I started post-partum!).
But I guess I’m coming to the realization that my mood may continue to
be more fragile than it was pre-kids for…at least the next few years!
Like a lot of people, I have a fair amount of genetic
predisposition to depression and anxiety.
Before kids, I usually managed to cope pretty well to keep them at
bay. But I suppose with kids, the
increase in factors beyond my control continues to be an adjustment that I don’t
always cope as well with. In the
past, if I were having a tough day, I could just laze around, take it easy, or
even just have a cathartic cry without worrying about anyone but myself. But now, the tougher days are more
easily triggered, and I get caught in the cycle of feeling guilty about feeling
miserable. If I feel ‘a moment’
coming on, Ivan is pretty good at getting the kids out of my hair. But occasionally they’ve crept up into
my bedroom to catch a glimpse of me looking and feeling a lot less put-together
than they are used to. That moment
always kills me – since it’s the one I’m terrified they’ll remember. So I just do the only thing I can –
assure them and myself that I’ll be fine in a few minutes…and sure enough I am.
Mornings have been especially tough lately. Winter mornings are dark…and cold…and
who wants to get out of bed, really?
But combine that with getting a 4 year-old ready for daycare, when she
is even less motivated (and perhaps has less of a cognitive filter), usually
does not make for a fun start to the day.
Mariah is a lovely and stubborn little monkey, who tries to negotiate
each step in life lately. Things
that were meant to be occasional treats – like a cup of hot chocolate, or
wearing a dress over her clothes – were beginning to be daily battles. Just like any normal preschooler
should, she demanded any and everything she could think of each morning to
delay the process of going to school.
And like any normal mom – I would give a firm ‘no’ to most of them, but
then eventually give in to one or two.
As I should really know from my work with kids, this ‘intermittent
reward system’ turned into a behavioral nightmare, where my child was bossing
me around far too much. She was
getting crankier, I was getting more irritable, and we were both getting nowhere. I say this all in past tense as if the
problem is solved – well maybe that’s wishful thinking. Last week Ivan & I made a daily
calendar (i.e. ‘behavior chart’) for Mariah – which again, I would not
recommend for true ‘behavior issues’ in kids…but Mariah is a pretty
rule-oriented gal. We gave her a
few pictures of reasonable motivators to get her going in the mornings and have
let her choose one each day to help things run a bit smoother. At first she threw a tantrum over
wanting two special things in one day (because how could a princess be a
princess with a dress but no sparkle gel in her hair?!?). But overall, the method seems to be
improving things a bit each day.
And as for my mood, fingers crossed, it seems to be getting
better as the days get longer. But,
like I’ve said in this entry, I’ve sort of come to an acceptance that the
roller-coaster is somewhat normal.
I debated about whether to post on this topic…especially since I haven’t
blogged in a while and I hate to be a downer ; ) But being open and honest – about mommyhood, and life in
general, is really what this blog is about. There will continue to be lots of happiness in the entries to
come, but this one is probably just as important, if not more. I’ve had lots of good conversations
with other women about the wonderful array of emotions we seem to cycle
through, and I hope that being open about this helps to normalize &
validate it for others.
And incase anyone is wondering if this means I have any
regrets about parent hood and wish I could go back – no way! I think the purpose of life is to grow –
to face challenges and overcome them; to have tough days and get through
them. For me, becoming a mom has
been the hardest and most fun experience I could ever imagine. So the tough moments have been well
worth the priceless ones, by far.
