A mother's touch

To me a good mother is the perfect blend
of honesty, support, and love.
The kind so strong, you can feel her warmth
whether she's near, far, or above.

You call on her for guidance
when you don't know what to do.
She helps you find your inner voice;
to choose what's right for you.

And even when that choice
differs from her own,
She stays right by your side,
so you need not stand alone.

She holds your hand just tight enough
to let you know she's there.
Yet loose enough to let you be,
content in knowing she cares.

A mother doesn't push you

to do the things you fear.

Instead she gently pulls you

and whispers "don't worry, I'm here."

The softest skin you've ever touched,
a scent you'll never forget
Whenever you think her job is done,
she reminds you there's still time yet.

For no matter how old you grow,
and no matter how wise you become,
you will always be her baby;
she will always be your mom.

A monkey in doll's clothing

Remember when I wrote about the ‘calm before the storm’ just a few short weeks ago?  Well, it looks like the storm is beginning to brew as evidenced by the toys scattered around our house as though a hurricane just passed through!  Not only is Mariah improving her crawling, sitting, and standing skills, but she is also apparently working towards a degree in mischief.  At 7 and a half months old, she decided that she was old enough to climb the stairs, so she’s been practicing that whenever mommy turns her head.  She has discovered that our drawers and cupboards are filled with colorful and exciting new things – most of which she shouldn’t be playing with.  Despite having a toybox full of age-appropriate fun, Mariah prefers to pull all of our books out from the shelves, unfold entire laundry baskets, and her all-time favourite – eat paper from the recycling bin!  She demonstrates her love for a good challenge by using our dining set as a crawling maze.  Somehow she manages not to bump her head on chair legs, but makes up for it by falling down often when she’s trying to reach things she shouldn’t (like our fireplace or laptop).  I try scolding her with a firm ‘No’ but she misinterprets it as a game and usually smiles while she continues breaking all the rules.  Needless to say, babyproofing is on the top of our priority list at the moment.

We were beginning to worry that we had a fussy eater on our hands when she began pursing her lips and turning her face each time the spoon came near.  But we have realized that Mariah simply doesn’t like baby-foods nor being spoon-fed.  She will gladly finish half a banana for breakfast if you just set it in front of her and allow her to eat like a big girl (but one who makes a complete mess of herself).  Mariah also prefers to eat what mommy and daddy are eating, so we’re trying to make healthy and flavourful things we can all enjoy – last week she even had rice, dal (curried lentils) & fish for dinner!  Now before you post a comment about choking hazards or foods to avoid – don’t panic, I’ve done my research.  Many new parents are now choosing to implement ‘baby-led weaning’ (i.e. allowing your baby to explore and eat minced or finger foods independently rather than being spoon-fed purees).  In fact, I even attended a presentation by our hospital network that explains the pendulum has returned to minimizing purees and instead encouraging your baby to progressively eat whatever you’re eating by 1.

Mariah’s other miscellaneous monkey business includes her strong dislike for clothing.  She gets very upset when we try to dress her and tries her hardest to re-direct her limbs out of sleeves and pantlegs.  In fact, Mariah even resists diaper changes.  Instead of lying flat for optimal changing conditions, she constantly twists herself onto her stomach and tries to flee the scene as if she thought cleaning her poop was not a sufficiently stimulating task for me! 

Now – I know what you must be thinking “at least she’s old enough to sleep through the night so you’re well-rested”, right?  Wrong!  When most babies were busy learning how to sleep through the night around 4 months old, Mariah must have skipped that class and attended “how to become a worse and worse sleeper” instead.  My goal was to have her in her crib by the end of Ivan’s summer holidays, but since we can’t keep up her with demands through our exhaustion – she’s managed to sneak back into our bed for most of the night.  Whereas she used to sleep 3-5 hours at a time as a newborn, she has spent the last few months waking up every hour or two to nurse or just cause ruckus.  In fact, last night she sat up to chat and bang on our heads.  And when I asked Ivan what time it was, he growled “2 in the morning!” (I laughed and asked him whether the ‘in the morning’ part was really necessary).  And instead of taking hour and a half naps like other babies her age, she is usually standing up in her crib calling for us after half an hour. 

But as our families often remind us – apparently this is all pay-back.  Ivan and I were both arguably the most mischievious kids in our families…so if you do the math, Mariah’s genes are a perfect recipe for monkey business.  And just like my last entry – despite my sarcastic undertone, please know that we wouldn’t want Mariah any other way!  She keeps us on our toes but also keeps us entertained and smiling.  I’ve never met a more active baby and curious baby, but lucky for Mariah, I’ve also never met a cuter baby so it’s virtually impossible to get mad at her.

Back to the grind

Ivan returned to school/work this week and even though I’m still on maternity leave, I feel like it’s ‘back to the grind’ for all of us since I’m on my own with Mariah again.  The summer holidays were a much-needed respite for me to have an extra pair of hands around the house and left me dreading the school year.  But we all survived our first week and I’m feeling optimistic that the next few months will go well too.

Before summer holidays started, Mariah wasn’t able to entertain herself for very long.  But now that she’s able to sit and crawl, she can enjoy the satisfaction of her independence while I often have my hands free to keep the house in order.  A friend of mine asked what all chores I have, since I make them sound so endless on this blog.  In fact, it’s really not a lot – just keeping up with laundry and tidying…but with a baby around, everything seems to take twice as long!  Plus, since anything I try to do seems to get interrupted, I feel like my days are full of several partially completed tasks.  This in combination with my sleep deprived ‘baby brain’ result in me walking from room to room holding bits and pieces of various projects, without ever finishing any of them.  Since I’m a task-oriented woman (whereas men are typically process-oriented), it’s been quite an adjustment to develop a certain level of comfort with my new life of chaos.  At first, I tried desperately to fight against it by pushing my body to its limits and trying to do as much as I possibly could each day.  But I’ve realized that this attempt to regain any sense of control just leaves me spinning like a hamster in a wheel – trying hard, but truly never getting ahead since there is no ahead. 

Since many women like myself are now establishing careers before starting families, I think it’s an emerging generation that suddenly feel like failures when we try being stay-at-home moms since we associate success with a different type of productivity.  At work, I used to take great pride in starting and finishing tasks, doing paperwork, and even receiving the occasional affirmation.  At home, I feel like I’m caught between feeling busy yet bored at the same time.  My tasks are mundane and monotonous – changing diapers, making food, feeding baby, cleaning up, tidying, and then doing it all over again.  And whereas my work days used to be 8-4, parenting is 24/7.  I often catch myself grasping for mind-stimulating things that feel more like work (such as this blog!), since we live in a society that doesn’t validate how truly challenging and important the work of parenting is.  I used to envision maternity leave as a break and wished I could afford to quit my job to be a full-time mom.  And now I can’t wait to return to my day-job, since I’ve realized that being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done!  It reminds me of the movie ‘Marley & Me’ when Jennifer Anniston & Owen Wilson wondered why no-one had warned them how hard parenthood would be until they remembered everyone tried to but they never listened.  Despite all the warnings and advice people shared when I was pregnant, I truly wasn’t able to process the information until Mariah arrived since like childbirth – parenthood is just something that you won’t fully understand until it happens. 

But through all my complaining and venting, please be rest assured that as most parents say ‘I wouldn’t change a thing!’.  One of my goals with this blog is to be open and honest about the tough side of being a new mom since I think that’s important for non-parents (and new parents alike) to hear.  However, it’s not to scare anyone out of parenthood since it is also undoubtedly the most rewarding and amazing job I’ve ever had, despite the challenges.  

Calm before the Storm

So far, our little family has been thoroughly enjoying summer holidays together.  Time has flown by with flurries of houseguests, a few landscaping projects, and an upcoming camping trip in the Rockies.  I’ve gotten so used to having Ivan’s help with housework and taking care of Mariah, that I’m starting to get nervous about re-adjusting to the real world in a few short weeks.  At first, the shift from my once dreaded mommy routine was a bit unsettling, but I must admit I’m getting used to vacation mode with lots of late nights and many excuses to miss the gym! 

Baby bootcamp has been going reasonably well.  Mariah has been sleeping in her crib for the majority of most nights – with Ivan & I taking turns settling her every few hours.  She’s definitely more comfortable on her own these days, even singing herself to sleep sometimes as a self-soothing strategy.  I’m hoping to somehow try and maintain this when Ivan returns to work, but am a bit concerned that sleep deprivation may tempt me to ‘give up’ and bring her back to our bed.  Transitioning her to solids has been more fun than I expected.  Ivan made a hobby of making Mariah a variety of home-made babyfoods.  She loved most things, but has been realizing that it’s far more fun and delicious to eat off of our plates so we’re trying to allow her table and finger foods as much as we can (she even loves the taste of curry!)  As for diapering – we sat on the fence for a couple of weeks and both finally agreed to give up on cloth diapers (at least for now) and switch to disposables.  It was a tough decision, but the huge reduction in laundry is definitely helping me feel less overwhelmed.

Mariah’s mobility is truly blooming this summer.  Her crawling is improving and her frequent attempts at standing tell me that she will likely walk early.  In a way, her mobility has made parenting much more manageable since she’s independent enough to entertain herself with toys for a few minutes at a time, rather than needing to be carried.  However, as everyone keeps warning me … apparently I’ll be chasing after her in no-time.  I like to think that if I baby proof our house enough, maybe I can just let her roam free and eliminate the need for chasing.  But somehow, I think that rationale may be a bit naïve.  For now, I’ll just continue to enjoy the respite of summer holidays and the calm before the storm of excitement to come!

Baby Bootcamp

This long weekend marked the beginning of Ivan’s summer holidays from teaching.  I’m not sure who’s more excited: Ivan for having a well-deserved break from work; or me for getting an extra pair of hands to help with baby at home!  In fact, since the start of my maternity leave, I’ve been telling myself ‘just survive until summer and life will get easier’…and so it has.  Well mostly.  Ivan and I spent the first couple of days getting on each other’s nerves since that’s easy to do when you spend too much time together.  But the sunshine and summer vibes are starting to set in, so we’re trying to relax a bit more and daydream about the weeks to come.

Little does Mariah know, that mommy and daddy’s vacation time will coincide with her ‘baby bootcamp’.  You see…there are a few parenting hurdles I’ve found too hard to manage on my own, so I put them off until Ivan could help:

Step 1 – Sleep Training

Up until now, Mariah has had the luxury of co-sleeping in mommy and daddy’s bed.  Ivan and I both have very mixed feelings about this since it can be a great bonding experience, yet can perpetuate sleep deprivation and be a relationship challenge since something – or rather someone – is literally right in between us at night.  I’ll dedicate a full blog to this topic at a later time.  For now, the summary is that we have attempted transitioning Mariah to her crib several times with little success since it ideally requires a persistent effort from both parents.  There are various theories and strategies ranging from ‘Ferberizing’ (letting baby cry themselves to sleep) vs. a more attachment based approach of comforting baby each time she cries – each with the goal of gradually decreasing their need for mommy or daddy.  Last night was the first time that Ivan and I did not ‘give up’ – we took turns getting up every hour or two and did our best trying to reassure Mariah that she is safe in her crib.  It wasn’t easy.  We were both exhausted and frustrated.  We got mad with each other’s differing techniques but tried our best to stay calm (a good friend of mine advised that anything said to each other after 2am should not ‘count’!).  My hope is that if we can keep it up for a few more nights, Mariah might realize her crib isn’t so bad and we can all start sleeping a bit better. 

Step 2 – Starting Solids

Mariah has been showing signs of being ready for solids starting around 4 months.  At that point we experimented by giving her ‘tastes’ of fruits and progressing up to some baby cereal and cookies.  The general recommendation used to be to start solids from 4-6 months beginning with certain vegetables, then fruits, and later to meats, etc.  However, the current trend is to wait until 6 months and then start introducing baby to a variety of pureed foods full force and then quickly progressing to minced and finger foods.  In fact, you’re encouraged to start with iron-rich foods like pureed meats, fish, and beans.  Since we’ve decided to make our own baby food…and since you’re encouraged to introduce a new food every 2 days to prevent fussiness, I decided to wait until Ivan was home to help me deal with the mealplanning and blending – just a couple of weeks after Mariah turned 6 months.  So far so good – she’s tried nectarines (loved), peas (spat at us), and today she’s going to try pureed grilled salmon!  All this food leads us to the final step of bootcamp – the part that’s more of a challenge for daddy and I:

Step 3 – Dealing with ‘real’ poop

Mariah wore disposable diapers for her first 2 months until I felt ready to switch to cloth diapers.  We launder them ourselves and the process has actually been much easier than I expected since breastmilk is water soluble, so even poopy diapers could go straight into the washing machine.  However, once solid foods are introduced, so too are bigger, messier poops!  This means either spraying or wiping the mess into the toilet before laundering so, again, something I wanted ‘back-up’ for before committing to myself.  So far it’s tolerable, but I’ve decided that if it begins to feel too overwhelming we’ll switch back to disposables guilt-free.

All in all, bootcamp is off to a good start and I’m hopeful that once the three of us get into a good routine, the rest of the summer might get easier and more exciting.  Who would have thought that our summer plans would literally revolve around baby's eating, sleeping, and pooping!