Isaiah's Birth Story Part 2: Early Labour; Day 1

The full Supermoon came & went Sunday night and I woke up deflated and grumpy Monday morning.  I tried to hide my frustration from the girls, but clearly the full moon had affected all of us, because they were even grumpier! For the past two weeks, I had managed to get them up & ready to drop Mariah to Kindergarten pretty smoothly, for the most part.  But today was different…we were a bunch of very cranky ladies that day.  And one tiny other factor that was affecting my mood, was a bit of anxious confusion over whether or not I could possibly be in labour?!?  When I woke up, I realized that I was feeling ‘something’ every now and then.  But once again, the feeling was so mild that I could barely distinguish whether it was even real.  This was how my labour had started with Mariah – noticing ‘somethings’ happening every few minutes from the time I woke up…which meant that they had probably been happening while I slept the night before without being strong enough to wake me (so in this case during the full SuperMoon!!!). 

I refused to call these ‘somethings’ contractions all day, because I really wasn’t sure…and was not about to jinx it.  Even if they were contractions, I know that early labour contractions can last for days before real labour starts, so I kept reciting all of this annoying propaganda in my brain, while my heart began to flutter.  Another reason it was hard to tell was because I was home alone with two angry children, remember?  Ivan had left for work in the morning, and I didn’t bother texting him because a) he’s a teacher and he was probably busy teaching b) he’s Ivan and he never checks his phone and c) in the rare chance he checked his phone, I didn’t want him to get excited prematurely.  So instead of lying down and paying attention to my body like a first time mom could do, I spent the morning chasing the other two monkeys around the house.  I can’t remember what our ‘arguments’ were about that day, but I do distinctly remember the girls being extra wild.  Getting them dressed, brushing their teeth, doing their hair, putting on shoes – everything was a bigger fight than usual.  They weren’t just being sassy little girls, they were being mean and rude…and not themselves.  My emotions had been pretty stable during pregnancy, but I got so tired of their nonsense that particular morning, that I eventually burst into tears and fled the scene.  Luckily, these little women are very sensitive and protective of their mama, so my vulnerability was far more effective than my anger.  They apologized and immediately shifted into ‘I’ll take care of you‘ mode.  After picking our emotions up off the floor, the 3 of us marched off to Mariah’s school, after which Kassiah & I took our usual 60 minute power nap before it was time to pick Mariah up again.  Before heading out (at 2:35pm), I texted a good friend to let her know that I was feeling ‘somethings’ all day…since my confidence was up to about 50% that I was in early labour.  The weather was beautiful, and the calmness of the 5 minute drive was enough to help me acknowledge that I was in early labour…woohoo!  So I did what any preggo, well trained by midwives and doulas would do, went about my day as if it were any other.  I played with the girls at the school park for a while.  And when a mom friend asked her usual question of how I was feeling today, I whispered “ummm…I think I may be in early labour…so if all goes well, you won’t see me tomorrow!”.  Oh, and then, finally, at about 3:15 I called Ivan after his school ended to calmly say “Hey bud…you may want to leave soon cause I think I’m in early labour : )”  I could honestly hear Ivan smile while he agreed not to freak out…right before we hung up and I’m sure he ran around his classroom like a chicken with his head cut off trying to finish preparing for his month of parental leave.  I watched the girls keep playing in the park for another 20 minutes and then texted my doula & midwife to give them a heads up that I had been having mild contractions about every 10-15 minutes all day.  Just saying the words aloud…and typing them into my phone was enough to give me a rush of excitement and happiness.  I knew in my heart that this baby was coming…my prediction was ‘tonight’, since both girls were born in the middle of the night (one more time here, can we say lunar forces?!?’)

We pulled into the driveway at the same time as Ivan.  He asked me if I was ‘for real’ and I told him ‘I think so!’…but reminded him the usual disclaimer – that technically early labour can last days.  I told him I wanted to go for a walk, to keep my labour moving…so off we all went.  He asked if I wanted the stroller to lean on, and my first reaction was ‘no!  I’m fine’…but then I agreed it may be useful ‘just incase’.  Sure enough, the leisurely yet somewhat brisk walk & fresh air worked their magic quickly.  When the walk began, my contractions were noticeable but not painful (comparable to menstrual cramps).  They lasted about 45 seconds and were about 15 minutes apart, on average.  Halfway through the walk, we stopped at a new ‘Freshi’ restaurant and had a healthy labour-friendly dinner, of wraps & soup.  Then, as if I needed another sign that the stars were aligning: the owners brought me, I mean the girls, free frozen yogurt with all the fixins...yum!  On the way home, we stopped at our favourite park, filled with gigantic natural stones, which are ironically just tiny pieces of our amazing nearby mountains.  Whenever I take a moment to gaze at the incredible Rockies on our horizon, I’m always met with a sense of calmness.  Maybe it’s the fact that those majestic pieces of nature remind you that you’re just a spec in this Earth, yet an important part of it at the same time.  Somehow, walking across those rocks seems to give me that same calming and humbling effect, as I breathed and reflected on the amazing things happening within me and how it was about to become even more of a spiritual journey.  All of those wonderful pieces of ‘just a walk’ combined to help my contractions start to shift into a stronger discomfort.  I got a bit of relief when I paused and leaned on the stroller bar (okay, so maybe Ivan is right occasionally : )  By around 6:30pm, they were around 10 minutes apart, lasting 45-60 seconds…I was getting there!

We came home and started the girls’ evening routine, only instead of reading stories after bathtime, they packed their little sleepover bags. Around 8:30, Ivan dropped the girls at their babysitter’s house as per the plan I had pre-arranged months in advance.  Meanwhile, I started baking banana bread in between my intensifying contractions (that I was now leaning over our gorgeous new kitchen island for).  I had recently read about the tradition of baking during labour, in Amy McKay’s “Birth House”.  Apparently, it has multiple natural benefits including keeping mama distracted, having the sweet smell aid in relaxation during active labour, and of course, creating a delicious treat to enjoy as a reward for the hard work!  I had been texting my doula and midwife now & then to update them.  My 9:30pm text said that things ‘still aren’t consistent but the last few have been 5, 8, 6, 12 & 7 minutes apart lasting 45-60 seconds’.  My midwife suggested giving it another hour or two before she and her student, Eileen, came to assess me.  This sounded like a good plan to me, since I knew I was still in early labour, but was pretty confident that the transition into active would happen quickly and without much warning.  With my first two labours, I declined the early labour assessment offer and waited until I knew I was definitely in active labour before summoning my team.  However, timing was a more complicated issue now since I had tested positive for a common bacteria called ‘Group B Strep’ a week earlier.  Essentially it’s a bacteria that cycles in & out of dormancy in most women and is not a big health concern.  However, there is a risk (1/200, I believe) of passing it to your newborn during childbirth, which can be significantly reduced if mom receives a quick dose of antibiotics via I.V. during active labour.  Now, the tricky part is that the antibiotics are ideally administered about 4 hours before delivery + during active labour – which for me I knew was an oxymoron!  My active labour with Mariah was 3 hours, with Kassiah was 1.5 hours, so this time I knew the window was small and my brain was working hard to try and figure out when that crucial transition into active labour might begin...but that part is virtually impossible to predict.

Since, I figured I was at least 'on track' to likely enter active at some point that night, I called my midwife and doula (around 10pm) to let them know I was pretty confident things were progressing well, and negotiated an arrival time of about 11-11:30pm.  Then I did what any normal woman in labour would do: I put on my cutest preggo maxi dress and maybe even some makeup, to pretend I was gonna have a baby Kardashian style.  Finally, I remembered that there probably wouldn’t be time for the most effective natural induction method later…so I summoned Ivan for (mom – close your eyes) a quickie.

Around 11:15 p.m., my doula and midwives arrived to find me far too chipper for their liking : )  I suppose our recent contact had been interpreted as ‘she thinks she’s getting there…hopefully she’ll be in active labour by the time we arrive’.  So they all looked at me a bit confused when they saw that I was clearly not there yet.  They were still all their lovely selves who went along with the charade of assessing me even though we all already knew the answer: I was only 1 cm dilated (which Theresa stretched to 2cm with my permission.  This ‘stretch & sweep’ of the cervix is yet another natural induction method…not very comfortable, and it can sometimes prolong early labour…I had planned to decline it this time around.  But in my defense Theresa asked my opinion when my reasoning abilities were compromised and I think I said ‘sure’ which really meant ‘well, since you’re all up in my grill already…you might as well try’ ; )  The awkward tension began to grow since I could read their body language and hear their internal dialogue saying: ‘is this the same Holly we know?  The 3^rd time natural birthing pro who knows her stuff?’.  This triggered my social anxiety as I became aware of the unfolding dynamic, and I even apologized for paging too early (which of course was met with lovely midwife talk reassurance that ‘we’d rather you page early than late’). 

In retrospect, I realized that I hadn’t properly communicated what I had already known in my head: I was still, very certainly in early labour.  These well trained women all knew that by looking at me: I came downstairs to greet them, I was smiling, I made eye contact, I was dressed (cutely, remember?) and most importantly, I was able to manage the pain of contractions with breathing and careful posturing.  So even before they could give me the ‘honey, you’re not quite there yet’ speech, I felt fully aware of the same…but I was also confident (or at least I had been) that I was going to get there soon.  In fact, I still believe that had I continued my efforts to move labour along with the usual tricks I had been integrating into the day (taking a bath, climbing stairs, squatting, walking, relaxing), Isaiah may have arrived within the next few hours.  But I could feel my brain turning back on at that point and knowing that the small bits of anxiety creeping into me were about to slow things back down…

Isaiah's Birth Story, Part 1: Pre-Labour

Isaiah’s official due date was October 3^rd, which basically meant that he could be expected to show up...oh, anytime between about September 12-October 17^th!  This arbitrary nature of due dates tends to leave moms (and all of their family & friends) in a state of prolonged suspense.  With Mariah & Kassiah, I was quick to share my due date with some level of false confidence.  But learned my lesson and always cushioned the due date answer with ‘so hopefully he’ll arrive late September or early October’ to help others (and myself) keep calm and carry on ; ) 

Of course that worked amazingly well…not!  In my 37^th week, my discomfort seemed to get exponentially higher to the point that I could wait to not be pregnant anymore.  Baby sat so low in my pelvis that I was penguin walking during the day and could barely move without back pain at night (although I was still sleeping for the most part).  And of course, I started to daydream about how much I wanted to meet this little creature inside me to see what he looked like and get to know him.  For some reason, because he was a boy, I had pictured him looking differently than the girls.  And maybe since I'm not a terribly imaginative person, I honestly couldn't even start to think about what he might possibly smell like or act like...I had probably forgotten a lot of that from the girls' time.  Mariah was born right on her due date, and Kassiah came 5 days late…so I decided to mentally prepare for the worst and tell myself Isaiah would be late (even though I thought & wished he would come just a little bit early).  How crazy is it to know that labour could start at any moment, while also preparing for the possibility that it could be weeks?!? 

Pre-labour

At my 38-week midwife appointment, I tried to pry the news I wanted to hear out of Theresa: “So, the 3^rd baby tends to come early, right?” to which, Theresa gave me her usual diplomatic response: “you really just never know”.  For a second, I wished she was a know-it-all doctor who would pointlessly check my cervix, tell me I was 1 cm dilated (which actually means nothing unless you’re in active labour!) and say “yup, this baby is coming any day”.  Instead, Theresa half-jokingly told me on the way out “hopefully the next time I see you will be at your house and not at your 39 week appointment”…that was just enough motivation to make me smile.  I texted my doulas later that week to complain about my discomforts and tell them I wished baby would arrive.  Although, I was scared to jinx things since they had just recently told our yoga prenatal class that “if they had a dollar for every mom who felt like her baby was going to arrive a week or two early, only to be overdue…”.  But luckily, the doulas decided to give me a bit more hope – telling me that Sunday (Sept 27^th) night was not only going to be a full moon, but a ‘Supermoon’.  

Now, I’m not a superstitious person, so at first I thought they were kidding…but then I learned more about the moon’s impact on women’s cycles, on people's mood & behavior, and on childbirth.  Doulas & midwives can tell you anecdotally that they get a lot more calls from mamas in labour during full moons…and you will probably think they’re lying since there is technically no scientific evidence to prove this theory.  But I’m starting to believe more in things that aren’t well researched, and less in things that are supported by overly confident statistics.  Like [insert judgmental opinions here], yup, I'm saying it: vaccinations.  This topic will be a whole other entry, so please suspend your comments until I have a chance to explain my complicated views...Anyway, I’m guessing the reason no evidence based research demonstrates a positive relationship between births and full moons is that most births are hospital births...and most hospital births involve some level of induction or medical intervention.  If there are any young eager researchers out there, who happen to be interested in midwifery (okay, that’s a rare combo)…I would love to see stats on natural childbirths during full moons!  

Okay, let’s start curbing this tangent (clearly my post-partum mania is still in effect after 4 weeks!).  So I suddenly remembered that Mariah was born during a lunar eclipse, which at the time I thought was just a neat coincidence but now think that moon had a powerful effect.  So I decided this was it…I was counting on this full & Super moon!  Starting Saturday Sept 26th, I started to feel ‘something’…mainly a very dull (so dull, I couldn't be certain that I wasn't imagining it) low back ache and more pelvic pressure than usual.  Sunday September 27^th both got a tad more noticeable…but still no contractions : (  I even stayed up past my 9:30 bedtime for the first time in pregnancy to try and catch a glimpse of the supposed red coloured Supermoon…but it was cloudy when I looked…and I went back to bed disappointed. 

To be Continued

For Little Miss Ashtyn

Once upon a time, we noticed a friendly-looking young family on our street of old fogies and decided to make friends.  Ivan randomly approached them on the street and introduced himself…luckily, instead of being terrified and jogging in the opposite…they were as friendly as they looked!  They said they had actually noticed our family too and had the same idea of making friends with us, so they were glad Ivan had made the first move ; )  Before we knew it, we were best buds with Rena, Uche & their adorable toddler, Anson.  Rena & I started going for walks together, the kids had some playdates, and I think Ivan even helped Uche with some plumbing once (not that Uche needed help, of course – he’s pretty much a general contractor like all husbands : ).  When we first met in the summer of 2014, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a third child.  Ivan was trying to convince me that we would probably regret not having a 3^rd, but would never regret having a 3^rd(good argument, huh?).  I was on the fence, carefully weighing the pro’s and con’s of the financial and practical implications.  During this conversation aloud with our friends, I stuck my foot in my mouth, asking if they had planned exactly when they wanted their second child.  Rena took a deep breath, collected herself and explained that she and Uche had been struggling with fertility and losses for many years.  Maybe meeting them and seeing how much they value and appreciate their ‘miracle son’ made me realize how much I have taken my own luck with fertility for granted, because shortly after that I decided I really did want just one more. 

During one of our afternoon strolls a few months later, I let Rena know that I had come to my senses (i.e. for the first and probably last time in our marriage, Ivan was right) and I had decided to try for a third baby.  I wanted to give her time to mentally prepare for the possibility of me getting pregnant overnight, since I knew that I would be crushed if the roles were reversed.  Being the selfless person she is, Rena’s instant reaction was to congratulate me and assure me that she was extremely happy for us.  She said that her turn on the fertility clinic’s long waitlist was likely approaching soon, and they were planning to give it another shot.  Sure enough, in January 2015, I told Rena I thought I may be pregnant…and she basically said ditto!  We were having the same symptoms at the same time (except hers were more severe due to the side effects of fertility medication).  And luckily, both of our instincts were right…we had positive pregnancy tests just days apart! 

Logically, we both knew that the chances of miscarriage are high (about 1/3) and that Rena’s chances of loss were significantly higher, given her fertility & miscarriage history.  But emotionally, when you become pregnant, you quickly lose sight of the statistics and get caught up in the excitement of the new life inside you.  We began to plan our maternity leaves together – daydreaming about how amazing it would be to have a mom friend down the road for playdates and emotional support.  But shortly after, Rena & Uche’s story took an unexpected twist when Uche was offered a promotion in Texas!  We had all chatted about how we would love to give our children travel experiences in the future, so naturally they jumped at the opportunity. We were all sad to lose the future we had envisioned, but of course were happy for their new adventure.  We spent time together up until the move was near, but then found it a bit strange that we didn’t have a final goodbye before moving day.  Ivan & I figured things had just become crazy busy…but a few weeks later I got a text from Rena that read:

“It’s with a heavy heart I tell you I gave birth to our daughter, Ashtyn Ebele on May 7.  She was too young to survive…”

My own heart broke, as did Ivan’s, when I read the text aloud and we started to process what Rena & Uche must have been through.  We couldn’t even imagine it…Rena was 17.5 weeks along at that point…that’s beyond ‘miscarriage’.  It’s far enough along to have had heard heartbeats, far enough along to have seen baby in ultrasounds, far enough along to have felt baby moving...and far enough along to have fallen in love.  I still, to this day, can only imagine the excruciating pain they must have been through the day Ashtyn took her first and last breath.

The news made me feel guilty for ever having complained about petty pregnancy symptoms like heartburn & nausea, and simultaneously renewed my appreciation for the amazing little life in my belly.  Again, given the strong person and wonderful friend Rena is, she assured me that despite her tremendous grief, she would somehow be okay…and she still showed a genuine interest in how my own pregnancy was going (something I don’t know if I would have been able to do sincerely if I were in her shoes).  We’ve kept in touch over the past few months, and I figured that this time of year would be especially triggering for them.  First – with her own due date (October 14^th) arriving today, and second – having to watch our arrival with excitement, but surely as a vivid reminder of what they had lost.  As would be the case with any grieving parents, Rena & Uche have been riding the waves of grief up & down, while deciding how to go about family planning for future.  They’ve probably fallen into the deepest pits of sadness, climbed back up to grasp moments of happiness in their new home, only to slip again and have to start all over.  The cycle must be exhausting and torturous…especially since a person can never fully predict or control their emotions. 

I’ve been thinking about them even more, now that Isaiah is here.  Sometimes, when I hold him, smell him, kiss him, it kills me to think a parent could endure the pain of loving and then losing their child.  My favourite lullaby to Isaiah is a beautiful song called “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” by Meagan Trainor and John Legend.  When he was just a few days old, the song brought me to tears as I pictured Rena holding her own fragile Ashtyn in her arms, without ever having the opportunity to bring her home from the hospital.  And maybe because he sensed my sadness…or maybe because he was missing his future wife, Isaiah started whimpering in his sleep too.  Not a hungry cry, not a gassy cry…just a sad little baby cry. 

Rena & Uche are honouring Ashtyn’s loss today, which they recently learned is just one day before national Infant Loss Day.  Many grieving parents, and their support people, across Canada will be lighting candles to remember their lost babies. (http://www.october15.ca/every-baby-matters/)

So I end this blog with a poem in memory of Ashtyn, and in honour of all the parents who have loved and lost their babies far too soon…

Dear baby Ashtyn, 
please know that you’re missed;

If only you were here
to be tickled and kissed!

Your big brother, Anson
would be your best bud;

He’d teach you how to have fun, 
how to play in the mud : )

Darling little miss, 
please know that you’re near,

In mommy & daddy’s thoughts
every day of the year.

Why were you taken?  
Why lost so soon?

No-one can answer
the questions that loom.

Those that do try, 
sometimes use the wrong words.

They have good intentions
but your folks don’t feel heard.

Others say nothing
and the silence hurts too.

It feels like they don’t care
or just don’t have a clue.

While you long for each other
across time, across space;

Your parents grieve your loss
with strength and with grace.

A loss form so different; 
only few can understand;

Mourning the future, not the past...

Wanting just to hold your hand;

From your first day of school
to your walk down the aisle;

Mommy & daddy wish, more than words can express, 
That they could to be there all the while.

Forever lost are those precious moments
never to be had;

They cause a pain so raw, so deep;
a million miles past sad.

So wherever you may be,
sweet Ashtyn, baby girl,

Please know you are and will always be,

At the heart of your family’s world.

_________________________________________________________________________________

"Like I’m Gonna Lose you" lyrics (song by Meagan Trainor & John Legend)

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time
To say what we want
Use what we got
Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow